Falconers

Years of trust...

2012-01-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

Her eyes filled with tears as she watched Ocean. She adjusted her notes, and cleared her throat several times.
She tried to speak, "I have always felt so bad that we were unable to diagnose this little boy."

I watched Ocean building blocks for several moments. Would our lives be different if we had a diagnosis? Would his life be better? Would we know how to help him more? Would we know what to expect? Would we know, can we ever truly know?
I glanced up at Ocean's pediatrician, at the tears rolling down her cheeks.

I tried to put my heart into words,
"Ocean has taught us how to trust, when we know, it is all the more difficult for us to trust." I squeezed her hand.

She wiped her tears and looked me directly in the eyes, "Anyone who has the opportunity to work with this little man should count it as a great privilege. He is unforgettable.
How? How has he taught you to trust?"

I ran my fingers through his blond hair. Do I tell her of my drive to the hospital to sit by the bedside of a dying woman, a woman who would be leaving behind an adult special needs son? A woman who had complete faith that God would not take her from her son who needed her.
Do I share how my fingers gripped the wheel of my car, how sobs wracked my body, as I allowed my mind to peer into the future, the future of my own son, the future of my son without me. Surely, there would be a way, a path, a future that included me never leaving him alone. He needs me, my son needs me.
A few days later, this beautiful, faithful mom closed her eyes forever to the pain and joys of this world. And, I opened my heart once again to trust, to faith in a good God. For the opposite of that trust is fear and doubt. We cannot see the end of every story, but we can hold tightly onto the hand of the One who can.

Or, maybe I should tell her of the fear that consumed me for years after Ocean was born. There were no answers, no solutions, no guarantees that if I became pregnant again... well, that I was not to blame. Why when something isn't right, must we always look for someone, for something to blame? Isn't that why so many choose not to believe there is a God? What kind of God would watch all of this wrong in the world and look the other way? If He truly existed, He would put a stop to all of this pain.
But, we want to trust. We grasp at goodness in ourselves, in others, in the world around us. It is only when we decide to trust that there is good that we try again. It was only when I looked into the endless realm of His goodness that I tried again, and again, and again.

No, I looked her in the eyes again.
"I forget. I forget the good. I think that I need Ocean more than he needs me. Ocean is a living, breathing reminder that God is good, that He is trustworthy, that He is faithful. that 'we should not trust in ourselves, but in God'"

Summer Wonderings

2011-09-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I closed my eyes and listened.
I listened to the tears, to agony remembered, to anguish still fresh, even after ten years.
I heard with my heart a tragedy that brought so many close to God, as tragedy often does.
And, I wonder, are we still as close to God as that ash-filled day, and its aftermath brought us?
Or, have we ever so slowly bought into the lie that we are in control. We are the ones that hold our security, we are the ones who decide right and wrong. It has been left up to us to judge, to execute judgment, to defend our rights, always our rights.
We remember, we will not forget.....but do we, really?
I am guilty. Guilty of the knowledge that God is so merciful and gracious, that He will wait. He will wait until there are no longer any little people demanding something of me. I will soon be caught up on the housework, the business, the emails, the phone calls, the paperwork, the errands....then, then I can spend some time with my God. Then, He will be waiting for me.
Logical, yes, except, ...I am never caught up, so the days, the weeks, the months, the summer goes by, and He is still lovingly waiting.
Our pastor has been repeatedly teaching us the grace habit of "the 3 S's"...Solitude, Silence, and Stillness. Three things that are seemingly beyond my reach. Things that we yearn for, however when reached, we are uncomfortable.
Solitude...it is only when we are alone, that we realize that we are never completely alone, God is always with us.
Silence....it is only when we are quiet that we realize that God's first words to us are always.."I love you!"
And, stillness...it is only when we are still that we realize that our worth is not found in what we do, or how much we get done, or how busy we are.
Yes, I need to hear that again, and again. And, maybe, just maybe I will remember, the good, the glory, the grace that arises out of ashes.

There was this moment...

2011-08-26T20:09:00.000-07:00

There were words.

Sharp, painful words that came far too naturally.

There was the deliberate placing of plates on the table.

There was rushing around, loud sighs that took my breathe away. May have possibly been the throwing of hands in the air, the refusal of any offer of help, and all of this for what?

to remind him of how important my role is in this house, this home.

There was pride, pride in the control I believed I was displaying, when my insides wanted to shriek, to somehow get his attention, to make him see how wronged I was, how right I was.

I was aware, aware of little eyes watching me. Pride reared again, pride that I was together, there it was again, that I was controlled in front of my little ones.
My little ones, who do what I do, not what I say, who learn how to respond to others, how to control their feelings, from me?

From me?!

I sent them outside to play. As if this made my demands, my relentless pushing of self to the top, as if this was all ok.

Later, much later, as the dark clouds in my mind were being dispersed by truth, by love, my daughter called me outside. I gasped as I saw what was laying on the table. She had taken pieces of her daddy's scrap wood. She had placed them together in the shape of a cross. My eyes flooded, as she explained to me what my heart already knew.

"It is a cross, Mommy"

"I made it so when we forget, we can look at it and remember Jesus. We all forget, and sometimes we just need to be reminded of Jesus!"

training for...

2011-04-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

My heart was pounding as I rounded the corner. I could feel the perspiration sliding down my neck. My arms were pumping, and each time my feet hit the ground, I could hear the mud, the water, the snow, slapping at the backs of my legs.
I was home for spring break, visiting my family in Idaho. My wonderfully disciplined sister, and my forever enthusiastic brother had just signed up for a half-marathon. I will be completely honest, I wasn't sure if I could run around the block. So, here I was, feeling the pressure, out of excuses, and determined to deceive my body into believing this was a good thing.
As I ran, scratch that, as I huffed and puffed, my eyes were drawn to the crocuses peeping out of the snow, and to the robins flitting in and out of the trees The sun was warm on my face and I could almost, almost be persuaded that spring was here.

Spring is a wonderful thing. For me, it is the end of winter. Here in Canada, that would be at least nine months of our year. Here in the Rockies, winter is accepted as a possibility for any month. Coats, toques, mittens, and boots are never put too far away. Nevertheless, spring is life, birth, a long, deep breath after hibernation.

Spring brought beautiful, precious life to the Falconer family. Four years ago, Samuel Forest Falconer was given to us, and has blessed our family with laughter and a sweetness akin to honey. This particular spring, we celebrated the gift of life with our little flower, Willow Anne. She is one.
When her slippery little self was placed into my arms for the first time, my feelings were much like my first spring run, exhileration, awe to be in the presence of such beauty, and such a strong sense of being so overwhelmed. There was no way I was going to be able to be a mum to four children. I can't. Life must have a rewind button....somewhere.
I looked down at the screaming little bundle in my arms. The crying suddenly stopped, and big, clear blue eyes stared back at me. Maybe she saw the fear in my eyes. "You can do this, mom." I swear she spoke to me. "I know you don't have the strength, but God does. You can do this with Him."
I have learned not to have high expectations. I have learned to set small goals. I have learned, and am still, to be content. There are now days when chaos is not reigning, or at least all day. Those days, I want to stand on a table and beat my chest, barbaric, I know. However, I realize that those victories do not belong to me, but Christ within me.

The discipline of gratitude must be practiced, like running, must be trained for. I wish for thankfulness to bubble to the surface naturally and instantly. I want to see the completed picture, the finish line. I want to somehow make the now, me, smaller.
I believe this is something worth training for, worth training my children for.

Never alone

2011-03-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

The morning was normal, as far as I could tell. When I look back on it, I find myself analyzing the little details. Was there something that I had missed, something that would have told me to stay at home today?

I was startled awake by my youngest son climbing on top of me, trying to squeeze in between his dad and I for an early morning cuddle. I pried one eye open, just enough to peep at the numbers on the clock. Groan...it wasn't that early, it was time to get the kids up and ready for school. Forest curled up behind me, ok, maybe five more minutes.
Meadow's voice awoke me next, "Mom, who is taking me to school?"
Ok, time to get up, my brain was telling my body to move, but nothing was happening.
"Mom?"
Ok, I am coming. It is wonderful to have such a responsible five-year old in our home. The next forty-five minutes swept by in the usual madness of lunch prep, breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth, hugs, kisses, and goodbyes.

Whew...waving goodbye to Ocean's bus is almost always followed by the refill of my coffee cup and a collapse on the couch. I am never there for too long however, before either Forest or Willow, or both, is tugging for my attention.

I do remember looking out the front window to the wintry scene outside. Nothing unusual, the same scene that has greeted me every morning for the last four months, but today I was struck with the fierce, pure beauty of it. This beautiful thing called snow, that falls so gently and quietly to cover the ugly, the dirty, of winter. I paused for a brief moment to thank God for sending beauty, for sending His Son to cover me.

My youngest daughter, Willow, has been a challenge for me. She is very much a "mommy's girl", and though at times, I relish in the love she showers upon me, at other times, she can be a bit stifling. This morning was no different.
As I was getting ready, her crying and clinging to my leg, was causing severe anxiety on my part, so I placed her in her crib.

Blue and I had decided the night before that I would take Forest and WIllow into town with me for my Monday morning torture, I mean, Crossfit session. Blue had online modules to finish for his preparation to be hired by Calgary Fire, so he needed a little peace and quiet, a rare commodity around our house, but relished in if found. However, I digress.

Several times, I would complain to Blue that I wasn't going to make it. Sometimes, I believe that just getting out of the house should be considered a work-out.
As I prepared to gather Willow into her car seat, I realized that she had fallen asleep. I glanced sheepishly at Blue, after all, it wasn't like I had planned this.

He shrugged, "You might as well leave Forest too."

I smiled and ran out the door, "love ya!" May sometimes sound as though an afterthought, but always meant, for I do love that man.

I backed out of our driveway and realized our lab, Kiska was still in the front yard. I should go let her back in....no, Blue will do it. I stopped at the stop sign at the end of our street, what if he doesn't realize Kiska is out, I will call, .....ugh, forgot the cell. I really should go back for the cell....but I am already late.

I pulled out onto the highway, struck once again by the crystal beauty of winter. There was snow on the road, snowflakes were fluttering lazily, nothing to warn me of any danger. Nothing.

Intense, strength training today. One would think that my muscles would eventually adapt to such evil brutality. As a punishment for continued stubbornness , I put them through the additional interval session on the rower. As a result, I left the gym a little later than usual.

The snow was falling heavily now, the wind had picked up, the sky was white, completely white. I saw some friends with their brand new baby walk into their business next door. I walked over to say hello, and meet the beautiful little new one.
After the oohs and aahs had been said, the conversation drifted to the weather and road conditions outside.

I quietly slipped out the door, and ducking my head against the whirling snow, walked back to the van. I have driven in these conditions a thousand times, I am fine, I grew up with winter, I know winter, I love winter. This is ok.

I can't see. Everything is white. I strained to see some color, to see anything but white. I only have to drive very slowly and carefully for fourteen kilometers, that is all, just fourteen. As I peer into the whiteness, I recall a conversation I had had with my daughter the week before.
"Mom, is Jesus with me when I go to school?" Yes
"Is Jesus with me when I go skiing?" Yes
"Mom, is Jesus with me when I am all alone?" YES!
"He will never leave me, right, mom?" Right!
"Is he always with you too, mom?"
I hugged her and looked her in the eyes, "Jesus has promised us that He will never leave us, and He always keeps His promises."

I smiled at the memory, and I realized that I was gripping the steering wheel, and that I was actually afraid. I had no reason whatsoever to be afraid, because Jesus was with me.
My last thought before I slammed into the rear of a semi that I did not know was there, was that I was not alone. The air bag deployed in my face, again, more white. I glanced up to see the back of the truck at my windshield, more white. Several seconds passed before we came to a complete stop on the side of the road. I had attached myself to the truck bumper, and the driver had conveniently pulled me off the road, away from any more danger. The driver of the truck pulled my door open, blood was pouring out of my nose, finally, some color. I was ok.
Over the next few hours, I continually heard how lucky I was. That is easy, an easy explanation when our minds cannot comprehend. I am so glad that my life was not left to luck that day. I believe in something, Someone, far more trustworthy than luck. My God has promised that He will never leave me, I am never alone.

When things get a little harder..

2011-02-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

"Meadow-good, Ocean-not so good" - this would be the text that I received from my man when I asked how ski lessons were going. Brief, to the point, this texting business, but, oh so vague. Now, I had a million questions.

I patiently waited until the end of the lesson, then immediately called him up, "What do you mean Ocean's is not good?" I started firing my million questions at him in that calm wifely/motherly manner. I am not sure which question I was on, when I realized that he was repeating himself, "Can you wait until we get home?"
Sure, I was already calculating in my head exactly what time that should be.

Meaningless tasks formed the next hour until, finally, my little boy walked through the back door.

This is when it gets a little harder. Communication is a human need nearly as strong as the need for nourishment. Some have the ability to string words together to form a beautiful melody that is breathtaking in its own right. Others may speak very little, but their actions are worth volumes. Words have the power to heal, and to wound. My human nature cries out to have someone to listen, someone to care. Isn't everyone the same? Isn't Ocean?

I ask Ocean how he is, if encouraged, he will give me the thumbs up, "good". However, it will be his father who tells me of this stubbornness to put on his skis, his lack of cooperation with his instructor. Thus begins the guessing game that has made up much of Ocean's life. Do his boots fit? Was he scared of the grade of the hill? Was he timid with his new instructor? Was he experiencing any pain?

We conclude that my presence may be helpful to him the next week.
On our return to the hill, I am fairly confident that I can persuade him to ski. So, I tuck his skis under my arm, grab his little hand, and walk over to the beginner area to meet his instructor, Adam. I spend the next few moments filling him in on a bit of Ocean's history, all the while I am intensely studying him from behind my sunglasses. I have my doubts. He is young, and a man of few words himself, maybe not a good match for Ocean? Well, we are here, let's give this an effort. I bend over to help Ocean snap into his skis, when a sharp crack to my shin from his other boot causes me to cry out. What in the...?! Before I can truly respond, my sweet gentle Ocean has become another child. He is screaming and kicking, and hitting?! My shock is squelched by the need to defend my shins, and out of the corner of my eye, I see his instructor calmly watching us. I am sure he is wondering what wise course of action I am going to take to calm down my son. However, I am wisdomless, but I am stubborn. I grab his boots, snap them into his skis, pick him up, still screaming, by the way, and carry him to the magic carpet. Adam follows us, probably wondering if he gets paid enough for this job. I am wondering what it is inside me that doesn't allow me to let my son sit on the sidelines, which is what he would love to do.
As Ocean begins to settle on the magic carpet, I look over to see Adam come up behind us. Without a word, he steps up behind Ocean, places his skis on either side of Ocean's skis, bends over and wraps his arms around Ocean. Ocean looks up, his face covered in post-tantrum, shall we say, nasal residue, a turn-off even to his mother. Adam doesn't even appear to notice, I hear him whisper, "it's ok, Ocean."
As they glide off the carpet, I immediately step forward inquiring what he is going to do next. He doesn't answer me, he turns around backwards, once again placing Ocean between his legs, bends over so that he is eye level with Ocean, and whispers, "look at my eyes, Ocean." I can see the fear in Ocean's eyes as he grasps Adam's arms. And, I gaze in amazement as Ocean's body relaxes, and he never takes his eyes from Adam's until they are safely at the bottom.
I catch Adam's eye, and nod towards the lodge. Clearly, he is fully capable and trustworthy. In such a short time, he has found a way to communicate with a little boy who cannot form words.
This last week, I watched from the lodge window, as Ocean held onto Adam's pole and skied down the hill. I watched him give Adam a high-five at the bottom, and slide his way back over to ride again.
I smiled.
This is when things get a little better.

Here's to more soup...

2011-01-31T15:47:00.000-08:00

We have been eating a lot of soup lately. Maybe this eternal cold that I have had since...well, forever, is keeping soup recipes at the forefront. Or, maybe the -30 temperatures, that is Celsius for the Americans out there, are making me crave nothing but soup, and perhaps the occasional latte. May we say chinook anyone?
Anyhow, we slurped our way through the usuals at our house, hamburger-vegetable soup, peanut-curry soup, a minestrone or two, and still feeling a bit unfulfilled in our soup mania, we sought out more.
My man made us an extra large pot of Zuppa Tuscana, delicious, although a little less creamy than anticipated, due to laziness on both of our parts to go to the store for more cream. A keeper still, I think.
I came across this sweet and spicy chili. A touch of cinnamon, and cocoa jazzed up one of my already favorite veggies, the sweet potato. Topped with sour cream, shredded cheese and tortilla chips.....yummy! Found this on Real Simple, added a little hamburger, not too many vegetarians in our family.

Oh, and did I mention I made this in the crock pot, definitely a keeper...

Weekends away

2011-01-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

There was no watching of TV this weekend. There was not any Internet connection, or cell phone coverage.
There was only the sounds of skis sliding on the snow, of giggles, and of kiddie conversation.
There was the sleeping in sleeping bags, "just like camping", but with a spacious cabin in place of our crowded tent.
There was the the playing of more games, "chutes and ladders", "memory", and "uno" being on the present favorites list. Uno was a greater joy, because Ocean played with us, and won!
There was coffee, always coffee....
We could mention the sore necks from sleeping on the pull-out sofa, or the bit of whining on the ski trail, or the baby crying at 4:00a.m......but we are focusing on the good, and there was a lot of good.
Yes, I believe we will go back there....

Weekends

2011-01-17T13:57:00.000-08:00

The snow fell this weekend.
The kind of snow that makes the loudest day seemed muted.

The espresso machine hummed happily with constant usage. The aroma of freshly ground beans filling the house with an aura, an essence of coziness.

The doors were shut to the world outside, not purposefully, for anyone who came would have been welcomed, and most likely offered an espresso.

Books came off the shelves in piles. Words streamed and hung around us, forming stories, fiction and non.

Games were played. I can no longer allow my mind to drift when playing my daughter, not if I want to win.

Pyjamas were worn until...well, the time doesn't really matter. We unanimously decided not to get dressed unless absolutely necessary, and it never was

There was the eating of warm soups and fresh bread.

Maybe next weekend, we will venture out, but, this time, for now, we are content to just be....

the best gift ever...

2011-01-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

I am a martyr, I know it, I will admit it. I have this constant, "woe is me" attitude, that no matter how hard I try, this conscious thought pervades. It is the hare looking back at the tortoise, taunting the person that I want to be. Except for the tortoise wins in the fable, my tortoise seldom wins, but when he does, there is victory dancing to be done.
This very morning, as I awoke to my husband's painful coughing, and laboured breathing, my thoughts were on myself, and how I really "needed" to sleep in. Of course, his illness was ruining my plan. I could go on, with more twisted stories of my selfishness, but, really, would that do any of us any good?
So, that brings me to my Christmas present to my sweet husband....you may not think that much thought went into this gift. Would O. Henry have written a story about the deep love and sacrifice that went into this gift? Maybe, if he knew my heart.
Being the mother of four small children, I have to admit that I am guilty of not giving my man the attention that he deserves. I have to confess that I often don't even think that he deserves it. Can't he see how hard I am working and how exhausted I am? Once again, that martyr surfacing, down with you! So, before I can allow my inner self to take control, I force myself to dwell on one of the most precious things in my life, my marriage.
This past year, we have received news from several of our friends that their marriages were crumbling. The pain, the devastation, the loneliness, were so apparent. What if that were me, what if it could be me? What if when my children are grown, and leave home, and they will, what if I look across the table, and realize I no longer know the man sitting across from me? As a result of all of these dreadful thoughts, I realized that I love this man, and want to spend as much time with him as possible.
My gift, drumroll please...is 52 dates, one date for every week in 2011. A selfish gift, you may think, yes, maybe. Our dates in recent years have been great, me talking a hundred miles a minute about anything and everything. This year, I hope to listen, listen to his thoughts, his plans, his dreams.
Our first date was on January 1, 2011. We went to the Olive Garden, and ate lunch. I have to admit, I think I did most of the talking, but, hey, I have 51 more to work on that.

Reflection

2011-01-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

It is a new year. We are at the beginning of a new day. The word "new" holds so much promise. The unknown can be scary to some, a challenge to others. For me, I have learned to take one day at a time, each day being a gift, a fresh start. Whatever transpires during the day, I know that God is God, and I am not. I know that if I open my eyes, each morning "will bring me word of His unfailing love." And, so, I reflect.
The beginning of any new year brings resolutions, even for those who resolve to not have any resolutions. My dad told us once that if you know something needs changing, you don't need to wait until the new year to do it, do it now. So wise, my dad is. Other words of wisdom from my family include my sister's resolution for this year, "survival". She is a pastor's wife, and the mother of four homeschooled children. She is fabulous, by the way, and does way more than survives, she shines!
As I glance back into 2010, I remember thinking survival might be the only item to be crossed off the "to-do" list. Yet, here I am peering into the future of 2011, wondering what it may hold, and how best to prepare.
I have set some of the usuals to paper, run a half-marathon, pull the dusty guitar out of the closet, read more, eat more vegetables, drink less coffee? seriously?....I could just copy off last year's list and paste it to 2011.
No, this year is going to be different. I have been challenged by several experiences. One, I read a book last year. Actually, I read it several times. Those middle of the night feedings do come in handy. It was called, "The Heavenly Man". This book was about a pastor, Liu Zhenying in China. His story is remarkable, to say the least, and will literally take your breath away. The part that challenged me the most was his memorization of the Bible. Whenever he had one in his possession, he did not take for granted the treasure that he held. I have several Bibles in my home, and, to my shame, these precious words are often left alone for days at a time. This pastor would memorize as much and as quickly as he could, whole books at a time, knowing that his time with the Bible would be short. When he was imprisoned for years at a time, God would enable him to recall passage after passage that brought him great comfort, physical healing, and miraculous escapes from prison. Wow. My goal for 2011 is to memorize more, as much as I can, so that when those hard times come, God's words will be foremost in my mind.
The second experience that challenged me in the same area, was a visit with a really close friend. God has allowed a time in her life that is so painful, words cannot describe it. Numbly, I sat, listening to her try to describe all that she has gone through.
Hurt, so much hurt. Then, her tone softened, and she began to tell me how God's word had been such a comfort to her. As she lay, curled up from the pain, friends had read the words out loud. As the darkness, so heavy it took her breath away, was lightened by the memory of certain verses she had memorized long ago. As the fear overtook her thoughts, robbing her of much needed rest, only the reading of God's Word brought her peace.
Yes, it is a new year. I do not know what it holds. For me, it holds some memorization of my Bible. I believe I will start with Psalm 101, our pastor calls it the prince/princess prayer...

so many things to be thankful for....but there is this one...

2010-12-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

At the risk of publishing a book about our "Big O", as my thoughts continually drift to him when I consider topics to write about, I bring you yet another story.
This last week, we did a little celebration for American Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving, and have often thought it would be wonderful to discover how many countries have this official holiday, and celebrate them all!
However, that is another topic. I love the gathering of friends and family around a table spread with delicious flavours and smells. At some point in the conversation, we like to allow everyone to share something or someone that they are thankful for.
Now, Ocean loves a good party, and the joy of it is often abundant on his face. I smiled at him, and asked him if there was anything he was thankful for? He looked up at me, flashed a huge grin, thrust his finger into the sky and yelled, "God!"
I was speechless, and as tears sprang to my eyes, I recognized the feeling that flooded over the joy inside me....it was hope.

Supposed to...

2010-11-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

Why do I do the things I do?
I look at my daily "to-do" list... I am a big fan of lists. I love seeing chores, errands, phone calls to make, ...all of these being tedious items, I am not really that boring, or maybe...anyhow, I am getting sidetracked, I love seeing them written down on paper, so that upon completion, I can physically cross them out. But, what motivates me to do these things, I can't believe that is only for the small satisfaction of crossing them off. No, I am sure that I am not so shallow, so trivial, that I am unable to have deeper meaning behind the many tasks that often make up my day.
My day consists of many "have-tos". I have to get out of bed, seemingly a hard thing as of late. I have to feed my children, and dress them, and sometimes it is trying to have so many little people completely dependant on you. I have to wash clothes, which is not a complaint, by the way. Sometimes, the "have-tos" are not really "have-tos", my attitude just makes them that way.
I remember as a child, asking an authority figure, "Do I have to?" The response was usually a cryptic, "You don't have to, you get to." Different perspectives, I suppose.
The world of "should-haves" is constantly banging in the corners of my mind. I find difficulty in not succumbing to the pressures of that place outside my comfort zone that is dragging at me. My husband if forever faithful at reminding me to not live with regrets.
And, then there are the "supposed tos". These are the hardest of them all. The things that are in the future, that I generally view with apprehension. Or, the things I do, not because I want to, or have to, but that I am, well, supposed to. This list is also the longest. This list often requires commitment and sacrifice, two things that often don't come naturally for me, but if I persevere, and finish, there is much joy.
I took this picture of Meadow on her first day of kindergarten. You are supposed to do that right? I was so proud of her, excited for her, nervous for her....the morning was hurried, the slow, careful moments that should have been taken for such an event didn't happen. Four months later, I am still so proud of her, her independence, her smile.
I concur with Solomon, when God offered him anything, anything, he had only to choose. He chose wisdom. As I look at my days, my to-do lists, my husband, my four beautiful children, that is what I crave... wisdom. This was God's reply to me:
"if any of you lack wisdom, you should ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you!"
I believe all of my have-tos just changed to get tos!

Ocean

2010-11-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Ocean's 8th birthday last week. I am still in awe that I have been on the "Ocean" journey for 8 years. For a few of his birthdays, we would have big celebrations. We wanted to celebrate his life and all that he is. Lately, however, we have kept the idea simple. For that is who he is, simple. And, I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean the way he sees life. Don't get me wrong, he still loves his balloons, his candles, and his chocolate cake, but we keep the invites to a minimum.
I hope they don't mind me mentioning them, but I love to celebrate his birthday with our friends, the Genns. I feel, in a way, they have walked the "Ocean" journey along side us. When Josh blessed our meal and prayed for Ocean, it was with a love that only someone who has known him for a long time could pray, and I am so thankful to know them and have them know our Ocean.
I think that all of the unknowns that make up our life together forces me to trust. I find there is very little we have to trust for anymore. We have insurance for our houses, for our cars, for our health, for our very lives, for our spouses life, and for our future.
We spend our days planning, planning our days, our weekends, our vacations, and our retirements. Our security is as important to us as the air we breathe. The day we allowed ourselves to believe that we may never have an answer for who Ocean is, the day we looked that last doctor in the eye as he told us that he didn't know, that was the beginning of a journey of learning to trust my God.
I looked up at the sky, I knew Someone who knew. He knew why Ocean was the way he was. He knew what Ocean's purpose was here on this earth. I wish I could say that Ocean was here to grow our family in strength, and patience, and love, and humility. He certainly has done all of these things. I wish I could say that Ocean was here, so that all the many people involved in his life could meet Jesus through our family. I sincerely hope that has happened. But, the truth is, I still cannot say for sure. I still wish we had an earthly answer. I would love to be able to say Ocean is the way he is because of... the better answer is, Jesus made him, and I trust Him completely, for He does all things well.

still..

2010-11-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

I was asked the other day if I still write. hmmm...so I sat down, placed my fingers on the keyboard, and stared at the screen. I know that I have lots to write about, but to bring those thoughts together into a comprehensible post is similar to the collecting of marbles after Ocean has had his way with them. I guess you have to know Ocean to understand that last sentence.
I last wrote in July, asking if I still write is like asking if I still shower on a daily basis or have regular dates with my husband or if my baby is sleeping through the night.
yes, but so rarely that when they occur, regardless of any other events that day, there is joy.
I've been busy, sure I have, hasn't everyone? I rush around, making my lists, running my errands, seeing my friends, chauffeuring my kids, walking my dog...and I realized that life changes. I am so glad that it does. I can't imagine doing what I do every day for the rest of my life.
The one absolute in my life, in my world is God. He tells me to "be still and know that I am God." In all of the busyness, in all of the craziness that is my life, God is there, and He wants me to stop, if just for a moment, be still, and acknowledge Him.

Forgetful

2010-07-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am ashamed. An apology stutters from my mouth at least once a day, usually going something like this..."Oh, I am so sorry, I know that I wrote it down somewhere..." or "was that today, yes, you told me, I just... I'm sorry, I forgot."
Why can't I remember everything that I need to remember? Why do I forget appointments, and grocery lists, and things to return, and bills to pay, stock to order, and phone calls to answer? Why did I not remember that I told my daughter we would go to the park this morning? Or, how could I possibly not remember my friend's birthday, or that my husband bikes EVERY Tuesday night?
The laundry was forgotten out on the line, now it is raining. The french toast, yep, that is definitely a burnt smell. My baby, my sweet baby, when was the last time I changed her diaper?!
I did sign up for that, didn't I? I wrote that down on something, somewhere.
Yes, I am on my way, I always say that I am five minutes late for every kid, ha ha. Would it be alright if I added an extra five for my dog?
You sent an email? I haven't checked that today, or maybe it has been a few days. Yes, the mail, I believe I checked that yesterday, or was that last week? Who put the coffee creamer in the microwave? And, I was positive that I put soap in the dishwasher...
There are moments I want to never forget, and moments that I wish I could erase from my memory forever. How can it be that when I am hurt by others, my pride and self will hold on to that hurt, clinging to my rights to be treated respectfully and appropriately, and so easily forget that I have also been the offender? And, even if cling stubbornly to my right to demand forgiveness or to withhold forgiveness, I so easily forget the predestined grace I bathe in on a daily basis.
I haven't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's yet, but if I ever am, I pray that I will never forget all of God's benefits. He forgives all my sins, and healeth all of my diseases, He redeemed my life from destruction, and covers me with loving kindness and tender mercies, He satisfies my mouth with good things, and He is merciful, gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy.

to be..

2010-06-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful day. The sun was warm, and bright, and well, it was there. We hadn't seen it in at least a week, although I knew it was there, just waiting to come out.
I sipped my coffee and contemplated this day, this special day. Twelve years ago, this day, Blue and I were married. It has, to date, been one of the happiest days of my life. I was, am, madly in love with this man. For some, this love that makes a marriage, that ties two people together is based on feelings, on circumstances, on actions. Our marriage is not perfect, but it is a gift, a good gift from the One who is perfect and good and love.
We often struggle with special days, anniversaries, birthdays, and the such. The constant demands of life pulling such that to add something extra is too great. I feel the pressure, often in advance, to "do something", to make this day different than any of our other days. I forget, forget that I have a wonderful husband, who loves me. I forget that I have four beautiful children who give so much to my life. I forget that every day is special.
So, as this anniversary approached, I reminded Blue, I made plans, I contacted a babysitter, so that we could have a few minutes alone. Then, I discover that Blue has inadvertantly registered for a bike race on this day. This day, our special day! I was hurt, and I was angry. He apologizes, he cancels, he tells me he loves me. No, I am sure that this day, this special day is ruined!
The night before, he returns from a ride and as he turns to face me, I see that his face is covered in blood. Fear races through by body, but unfortunately leaves my body with the face of anger. I lash out at him, covering my fear with blame, somehow this all must be his fault.
So, this morning of this special day, I sip my coffee. Our babysitter was unable to come, so this day is made more special by the vibrant presence of our four little ones. My sweet man is making us breakfast. We will drift away the afternoon by the river, picnicing, and splashing in the water. And, I am so grateful, am so blessed, am so content to be.

the end of a beautiful friendship

2010-05-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

it has been a long time. Since I have written, I mean.
Yesterday's to-do list has become today's.
There are no longer activities that differentiate one day from another.
The days seem longer somehow, filled with small, menial tasks, that added up all of a sudden become so important.
I long for the world outside mine, yet pull away from it at the same time, as if I no longer belong.
If I allow too many weeks, so many days, often many minutes to drift by without a reminder of Who the true source of joy is, of Who my joy is, I am resigned. Resigned to the drudgery of daily tasks that although completed are never truly complete. Resigned to the anxiety, the fear, the helplessness, the heaviness that never seems to leave, and will reign, if I allow it.
God tells me to "be anxious for nothing." Nothing. that is a massive word, encompassing all that I know, all that I treasure, all that I fear. Over the last few years, why sound so vague? Over the last 3 years, 2 months, and 21 days, I have fought a fierce battle with anxiety.
And, can it be true? Tomorrow it is all to end? We have accepted an offer on our condo, and tomorrow, everything will be finalized. A weight, a weight that has taught us so much will be lifted.
Am I "jumping the gun", "counting my eggs before they hatch"? No, I don't think so. For, if I have learned one thing in the last few years, I have learned that God, my God, is trustworthy,and faithful, and merciful, and loving.
Lamentations 3:22-23 "It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness."

Willow Anne Falconer

2010-04-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

Two and a half weeks ago, our lives, once again, changed forever. On April 8, 2010, at 10:30 p.m., Willow Anne Falconer was born. She is beautiful and perfect,awe-inspiring and miraculous. When the doctor placed her on my chest and announced that she was a girl, I just wanted to sob with gratitude. My heart felt as if it would explode with love for this little person that I did not yet know, but would as of that first moment of introduction, give anything for. Everyone around us disappeared, and there was just the two of us, soaking in the euphoria of love at first sight.
She is our fourth child, and with each one, I have wondered how my heart can possibly love another child as much as I do the one I already have. And, with each one, my heart effortlessly stretches to envelope this new little one.
We brought her home a few days later, and for two weeks enjoyed the loving support of my dad. His time and efforts spent with our three older kids, and making meals, and even doing dishes, helped to soften the shock of life with four children.
Yet, the past few weeks have, for me, been a bit of a blur.
From the wisps of fog that surround my brain, I can recall the memories of good friends bringing delicious meals and desiring a peak at the baby. I seem to remember that relentless newborn cry that wants to feed every hour or two instead of every three like they are supposed to. I remember my sweet husband rubbing my back as I drag my exhausted body from bed several times a night to feed our baby. My son's frantic voice as he yells, a moment too late "Mom, poo!, it's coming out!"
My daughter's persistent need to know why the baby can't play with her yet, and if the baby likes having her as a big sister. My darling Ocean, always trying to pull my shirt up when he hears the baby crying, is quickly learning what is needed to make her happy.
All of this, and much more, culminated in a good, long cry yesterday. I was actually proud of myself for making it that long. I have always liked the verse in Psalms that tells us that God keeps all of our tears in a bottle. I actually laughed as I imagined God fumbling for another bottle as I filled up bottle after bottle. I am so thankful that He doesn't fumble, and that He knew I was going to have a cry, and exactly how many tears I would shed. A long cry is cleansing, healthy, I have decided. For I definitely felt better after.
I also felt better after a talk with my sister. She had her fourth three months ago, so I knew if anyone could identify exactly with how I felt, it would be her.
I was right. She is wise, and sweet and loving. She told me exactly what I needed to hear.
II Corinthians 9:8 "AND GOD IS ABLE to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having ALL sufficiency in ALL things, may abound to every good work:"

I may not always feel able, or even capable, but my God is, and will give me sufficient grace for every situation!

He is Risen!

2010-04-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

Four more days until my due day. I think that sitting around, waiting to go into labor is one of the most difficult things to go through. Well, maybe besides the labor itself, or, ok, I can think of a million more difficult things to go through.

Maybe the sitting around part is what is so frustrating. And, I am not really sitting around. I go to sleep every night, thinking, "this is it, this baby is coming tonight!" Then, I get a little panicked, thinking of a few more things I would like to get done before the baby comes.

I think that Blue is annoyed with me. I am thinking he is annoyed that I keep coming up with more projects to do, and he wouldn't feel so guilty about not always helping me if I would just sit on the couch and put my feet up. But, this "nesting" syndrome is uncontainable, I just can't sit for long.

The weather is warming up, spring is definitely around the corner. Talk swirls around me, about getting out, going on vacations, training for whatever race or adventure is coming up. And, believe me, living in Canmore, AB, there is always someone or many someones training for something. Considering how I get out of breath climbing my stairs, one can see how this can be a little discouraging for me.

Easter is tomorrow, and as I was busily preparing my Easter brunch for tomorrow, I began to think about my Lord and how He felt on this weekend. He too was waiting, knowing in advance that He was going to die a terribly painful death. For what? For who? For me, to give me life. I wonder if He was anxious, constantly thinking of more He needed to accomplish before that night. I wonder if He was bothered by the talk of others around Him. Tomorrow, we celebrate the fact that He is alive, the grave could not hold Him. Before the beginnings of this world, before I was conceived, He loved me, He planned to die for me so that I could live!

So, for this reason, and for the wonderful, imminent birth of our baby, I can only rejoice!

Five more weeks...

2010-03-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

Someone told me that February is over. They must have been telling me the truth, for a call came today reminding me of a meeting I am to attend on March 4th. And, March comes after February. Right?
I love this picture of Meadow on the swings. I see so much future in her smile, hear inspiration in her laugh, smell the coming spring in the mud on her shoes, yet the wind of winter is still in her cheeks.
Most of all, I crave the inspiration.
I wish I could say that I crave inspiration to do something great. Perhaps I could write a book, or start a preppy home-business, or learn to play the guitar, create something magnificent with my hands. No, I am looking for inspiration to make dinner in the evening, the only thing the comes to mind lately is spaghetti. Inspiration to present an amazing, imaginative idea to my two little ones staring up at me with adoring eyes. I stare blankly at the kitchen table, which became an arts and crafts station soon after breakfast. I stare longingly at the sofa, well, what I can see of it after Meadow and Forest have finished their fort. I glance sideways at the laundry room as I pass by, do we really own that many clothes? And, are there any left in our dressers? Climbing the stairs, I grab the shelf for balance. That gray matter left on my fingers can't possibly be dust. As I reach the top of the stairs, I realize that I am breathing heavily, and have to bend over, grab my knees, in order to catch my breath. Surely, I am still weak from the cold we all had last week. I couldn't possibly be "out of shape". I bemusedly look at my figure in the bathroom mirror, "out of shape" is an understatement!
I decide it is time to turn the page on the calendar. There is no use denying the coming of March. I see the pencil marking on March 2, "five more weeks" and,get this, a big smiley face! My breathing gets heavy again, almost hysterical. I sit down and put my head between my knees. Breathe, Breathe! I talk to myself alot. A habit developed over time, lots of time spent alone with toddlers. So, I began to give myself the necessary pep talk.
You can do this, Deb. God's grace is sufficient. He will not give you more than you can handle. His strength is made perfect in weakness. And, in five weeks, with the birth of our new little one, I will be very weak. I am thanking Him five weeks in advance. I am thanking Him for all of the "God-moments" I am going to experience. Those moments when there is no denying that higher Being helped me to survive. I am thanking Him for His inspiration, for His strength, for His grace, for His mercy.
Five more weeks, I can hardly wait!

A dramatic 2010...

2010-02-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, we were driving to church when our van suddenly lost power. It is very eerie to be coasting down a mountain road in the dark. The other fact that made the whole situation eerie was that all three of our kids were silent. My wonderful husband managed to conjole the old girl, that would be our van, to a stop about half a block from the church. I was content with that, but as we made our way that last little stretch to the building, I was also filled with that sick feeling that always accompanies car troubles.
Our church always shares "God-stories" after worship, and this has always been something that I love about our service. Sometimes the stories are happy, praising God for something He did that week, sometimes, prayer is requested as struggles are revealed. This particular week, there were a lot of happy stories about amazing things that only our God can do. Instead of joy, I felt numb, as if lead flowed through my veins instead of blood. My limbs were heavy, and I couldn't move.
As the stories came to a close, our pastor began to share a message about the new year, 2010. He proceeded to remind us of the truth that we are part of God's story, not the center, but a part. He challenged us to live a dramatic 2010, to view everything that occurs in our lives this year as part of His story.
I was starting to tingle now, as if my entire body had fallen asleep. My heart began to cry out, "Please, God, no more drama! A peaceful 2010, a smooth 2010, but, have mercy, not a dramatic 2010!"
Over the course of the past weeks, I have remained numb, and if I allow my heart to feel, my soul to speak, only doubt flows out. Ashamed of that doubt, I have remained silent.
Last week, I realized that my wedding ring was missing. In desperation, I tore the house apart, blamed my children, cried over the loss, and as a final effort to restore that ring to my finger, I begged God to show me where it was. My daughter found me on my knees, and asked me what I was doing. I told her that only one person knew where my ring was, and I was asking Him to help me. She looked me in the eye and said, "God doesn't exist, Mom, He doesn't know where your ring is, and can't help you find it."
I was shocked. I could only sputter, "Why? why do you think that?"
"Because I can't see Him." and she walked away.
I lay on the floor for a long time, staring at the ceiling. God exists, there is no doubt about that. But, why is it so difficult for me to trust Him?
I thought back on the last three years. We purchased a condo, completed the reno, placed it on the market, only to have it burn down two months later. God has taught me so much through that trial,and yet, at this time, all I could remember was that I have begged God to sell it for us, and that hasn't happened yet.
I thought back on our beautiful son, Ocean, for whom we have asked God to grow, and now, all I could think of was that I had a seven year old with the size and mental capacity of a three-year-old, without a single medical explanation. I began to shake my fist at the heavens, and questioned, not God's existence, but His silence.
God is faithful, God is good, and promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him, so, of course, He revealed Himself to me.
I opened the Bible, and read about a man named David. In a Bible study that I am presently doing, I was reminded that David was anointed by Samuel to be king of Israel at the age of fifteen. David didn't actually become king until he was thirty-seven. That is a twenty-two year gap!! I know that I have been anointed, not necessarily to be king of a nation, but to be a child of a King. Those twenty-two years were not wasted by David, he completed menial tasks, care-taker of the sheep, delivery boy for his brothers on the battlefield, harp player for the king, but everything he did, whether big or small was done for God's glory.
Every task he was given was also accompanied by the God-given ability to accomplish it. When he defeated the giant, Goliath, he shouted, "...I come to you in the name of the Lord of heaven's armies....today the Lord will defeat you, and all the world will know there is a God in Israel!"
I knew that the giant I was facing was my own doubt. I looked to the Psalms, written by David, in praise to God..."let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love. I am trusting in you..."
I would love to find my ring, I would rejoice if our condo sold and released us of that huge financial burden, I would run in the streets if Ocean could talk and read and do so many of the things that seven year olds do, but if I must wait another twenty-two years, I will continue to trust in God and His unfailing love for me.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2009-12-31T13:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I was thousands of miles away. However, I was traveling, so I had lots of time to think. And, I thought about my mom all day.

I admire so many things about my mom, it is hard to know where to start. She is honest. She will always tell you exactly what is on her mind. She is beautiful. One might catch her at her house in her PJs, but if she goes out, you can guarantee that she will look fantastic! She is strong. She has survived the death of three of her siblings, and both of her parents. She is fiercely loyal. Try not to get in between her and one of her cubs! She is generous. She won't just fill a need, she will overflow it. She is a hard worker. If you need her anytime between April and August, she will be out in her yard. She is faithful. It would take more than a wild herd of horses to drive her away from a commitment once she has put her mind to it. She is available. From the time I was a small child until now, I cannot remember one time she has told me that she was too busy to listen to me, or to hold me. Some respect their moms for having a career, and that is fine, I respect my mom for making the three of us kids her career. I always knew that I was a priority in her life.

My mom is funny. She can always be counted on to make one laugh.
My mom is in love with Jesus. God brings events into His children's lives for many different reasons, but they are almost always to grow us and to show us His reality. Many of us experience a time in our lives that is so moving, so persuasive, that the rest of our life seems to revolve around that one period. For my mom, and I believe that she would agree with me, it was her firm belief that God was going to give her more children. My brother is seven years older than me. During those seven years, my parents experienced the joy of knowing they were going to have another baby, only to lose it through miscarriage. My mom's doctors first encouraged, then begged her to give up. But, my mom was determined that God was going to prove faithful and give her another baby. He answered her prayers, and gave her me, two years later, He gave her my sister. Thanks mom, for gathering close to God's will, and waiting on Him.

I know that I could say more. I have so many wonderful memories of my mom. As for today? I love my weekly talks with mom. And, I know that I could call her at any time, on any day, and she will listen. She will then not only offer to pray for me, she will do it, right then.
Thanks, Mom. I love you more than you will ever know.
Your daughter, Deb

The truck is home for one day and....

2009-12-22T18:03:00.000-08:00

The phone rang about nine last night. I was a little sleepy and thought about just letting it ring, but gave in at the last moment.
A very formal, female voice informed me that she was calling from the Calgary Police Department, and wanted to speak with a Debbie Falconer. Yes, that is me, what is this about? My heart was already pounding. Blue had been in Calgary all day working on a job. He should have been home an hour ago. She then asked if I was the owner of a white, Ford, Super-duty truck. Yes, well not me exactly, my husband, Blue owned the truck and should be in it right now, driving himself safely home. Was my husband's name Blue Falconer? Yes, isn't that what I just said? Yes, that is our license plate. What is this about? I was having trouble catching my breath, and hating myself for always assuming the worst in every situation. The woman then politely asked for Blue's cell number, then thanked me and hung up. Hung up? Wait, please wait, what is going on? It took a few minutes for me to calm down, and explain to myself that if he were hurt, or in trouble, she would have told me that, right?
I dialed Blue's cell, and nearly sobbed with relief when he told me that he was about a half hour from home, and everything was ok.
A few minutes later, the phone rang again. I had no trouble jumping up to get this one. This time, a man's voice introduced himself as a constable in Calgary. He then proceded to ask me many of the same questions. This time, I was not so dazed, and demanded to know what was going on. He informed me that they had received a "hit" on our vehicle. A truck with our license plate had been seen doing "stupid" things. I almost laughed out loud. My husband is a lot of fun, lively, adventurous, but what this officer was describing I knew could not be my husband.
It took a few more phone calls for us to discover that the license plate had been stolen off of Blue's truck and replaced with a fake. I could finally breathe normally.
Early this morning, as I lay in bed, thanking God for protecting Blue, and for resolving the situation, I was shrouded in peace. I thought about the person or people who had stolen Blue's license plate, in a vain attempt to tarnish his reputation, to certainly cause trouble in the hopes of not getting caught...so hopeless, so sad. I snuggled deeper into my pillow, and as sleep began to overtake me, I remembered Romans 8:35, 38,39.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

It's a wonderful life!

2009-12-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone that life seems to just happen to? I have, I married him eleven wonderful years ago, and life has been happening to us ever since.
Our most recent run-in (hee! hee!) happened to be while I was down in the States visiting my family for American Thanksgiving. I always get a little nervous when I leave him, I don't know why, since I can do absolutely nothing to prevent these little episodes.
Nevertheless, I returned one evening to find my brother-in-law standing in the kitchen with a rather serious face expression. He quickly informed me that he was the bearer of bad news, and that my husband preferred it that way. I assume Blue was deducting that I would become slightly upset with this news. He usually is right, better to go through a second party. So, I listening patiently while Joe explained to me that the night before, while returning from church (that part must have been important), Blue hit a deer and believed our van to be a write-off. Ok, that is all right, Blue was safe. Unfortunately, the deer was in a seriously battered condition, or he would have made a nice addition to our freezer.
Sometimes, when these things occur, I wonder what God is trying to tell us.
Two days later, I return to find a rather curious message from Blue stating that if anyone wanted to hear a good story involving his truck and a Rocky Mt. sheep, give him a call.
Ok, God? You have my attention, what are You wanting to tell us?
Apparently,as Blue and a vehicle in front of him approached a full-grown ram standing on the road, something we do nearly every day in the winter, the car in front of him hit the ram. There was no damage to his car or to the ram, but the big boy was now very upset. As Blue tried to sidle by, the ram reared up on his hind legs and put his head through Blue's passenger window!!
I like Isaiah 30:21. "whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying 'this is the way, walk in it'."
I don't think God is telling Blue not to drive anymore, but I do like to know that I serve a God is going to guide us, and is not going to leave us alone to figure out our way.
Too bad it is too cold to ride a bicycle!

"But, Mom.... But, God....!"

2009-11-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

I dearly love my husband. This morning, as he gave me my good-bye kiss on his way to work, he comments, "I will pray for you with the kids today, hon, that you don't lose your temper, I know how you struggle."
My return response was, as always, gracious and kind. "Oh yeah, why don't you try taking care of these kids 24/7, and we will see who struggles then, eh?"
Being a mom is hard. Being a stay-at-home mom is really hard. I am often jealous of other moms that have a "career". They appear to be so successful, put together, organized, and, well, they just always look good.
But, most of all, I am jealous of just that little time away, that break, that time to do something just for me. This morning, despite my husband's prayers, I just wanted some time alone. I wanted to think, I wanted to make the kitchen look like a hurricane of dishes and food had not just recently blown through. I wanted to check my email, and be able to actually read, rather than skim. I guess I really just wanted them, my beautiful kids, to go away, just for a few moments.
I asked them to go play, I asked them to go color, out of desperation, I finally asked them to go watch a cartoon. Each request was met with, "But, mom...."
I opened the Bible. By the way, I have found, not always practiced, that this is the best recourse, no matter the situation.
I found Hebrews 13:5. "...be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."
But, God, we are about ready to have a fourth child, and we live in a one bedroom, one bath house....
Be content, child, you will always have Me...
But, God, our cars are always breaking down...
No matter, precious one, I will never forsake you...
But, God, my son is a mystery to doctors, and we don't know what to do...
Be thankful, daughter, that child belongs to me, and I will never leave him....
But, God, the economy is on the downturn and we will not be able to pay our bills...
Rest in me, friend, even if you lose everything, I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU, NOR FORSAKE YOU!!!!

Even though I feel inadequate, even though I may lose my temper, even though I may desire time away, my God, my Father, will never leave me, and will always give me sufficient strength and grace to love my children in return.
Thanks for your prayers, honey, I needed them today.

Thanksgiving....

2009-10-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

Eight years ago, Blue and I moved to Canada. I have loved living up north. One of my favorite things about being here, and there are so many, is that I am able to celebrate Thanksgiving twice!! Canadians are a more laid back bunch than Americans. And, I have really grown to appreciate the lower key celebrations.
We drove to Saskatoon for Canadian Thanksgiving to celebrate with Blue's parents, uncle, brother and family. I love the anticipation of the Thanksgiving dinner, the hustle and bustle in the kitchen, the hands getting a good-natured slap for sneaking in for a sample, the mouth-watering smell of the turkey coming out of the oven, and the gathering around the table to thank God, the giver of all good things, for all that He has done for us.
Years ago, our family started a tradition of sitting around the table and sharing something or someone that we are thankful for. I can't remember who began this Thanksgiving, but a few people had taken their turn when Blue looked at our four-year old Meadow. "Meadow, it is your turn, what are you thankful for?"
"God!" she answered loud and clear.
I felt tears spring to my eyes. That one simple word said everything that we all had been describing in being thankful for family, health, friends, and material abundance.
I think that we should have Thanksgiving every day. No, not the turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and pumpkin pie, but the constant spirit of gratitude that is deliberately stating what we are thankful for.
I can honestly say that there is not a day that goes by that does not contain a complaint, a disgruntled attitude on my part. There is always something to complain about. What if, just if, I replaced those complaints with gratitude, even if, in my shortcomings, my answer is a loud and clear, "GOD!"
I am starting today. Today, I am thankful for my son, Ocean, using the potty at school. I am thankful for my youngest son, Forest, learning to count to five. I am so very thankful for my daughter, who led me up the stairs with my eyes closed, to surprise me with a spotless living room! She did solemnly state that she couldn't do that every day. I laughed out loud! no, sometimes, we feel as if we can't do it every day, but we are just starting with today....

Time continues

2009-10-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

My hopes were high for a slow, relaxing fall. Sigh! I guess it just wasn't meant to be, but the dream still floats on the edges of my mind.
The Old School Ice Cream Bus is closed, finishing a fifth summer strong and healthy. God is good. To say that it was a busy summer is a bit of a understatement. I look back on it and wonder how we ever get ourselves into the positions that we do. Are we too nice? I don't think so. A little gullible maybe? Possibly. My motto for the summer was "just keep it together, Deb, it is only for three months!" That mantra worked most of the time, but the few times that it didn't, there was a really bad and embarrassing scene. When a thirty-two year old throws a temper tantrum, it is not a pretty sight. Of course, when I was finished there must be someone to blame besides myself, right?
I chose to place the blame on a friend of ours, let's call him "Bob". Our friend, Bob, asked us to do a "small" favour for him at the beginning of the summer. This small favour grew, and expanded, finally concluded in us running his small business for the summer. Our human nature is so well-trained in the art of caring for ourselves, that to truly help another human being with no personal gain is unnatural, even painful. I was a perfect example. And, as we wrap up all of the final details for both of our businesses, I can't stop thinking about it.
Why do we do the things we do? Why do we lend to a neighbor or a friend? Why do we spend our leisure time helping someone in need? Do we do a good deed sacrificially, or do we tend to our own first, then give to others? Do we expect a returned favor, compensation, or even a hearty pat on the back? Do we only help those who can eventually help us in return, or do we help those who can never repay us?
And, do we serve graciously, or do we cause the receiver to feel guilty, even ashamed that we are helping them?
I was reading "The Giving Tree" to my kids the other day. The story tells of a tree that gave everything it could for the love of a boy. He continued to give even though he often did not receive what he desired most from this boy. At the end of the story, my daughter says, "that little boy didn't even say thank-you!" How do I teach her that she must always be grateful when receiving, but not always to expect gratitude when she is the giver. I haven't even learn this myself...

Meditations...

2009-09-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

My birthday is coming up in a few days. I was hoping to celebrate by running a half-marathon for CAUSE Canada. Alas, my training did not go as planned this summer. In fact, I am not sure much of anything went as planned this summer.
I was reading Luke 1 the other day. It is the story of the angel, Gabriel, informing Mary that she was going to give birth to a son. The baby to be born would be holy and would be called the Son of God. His name would be Jesus. Yes, I know, this is the Christmas story, and I am a few months ahead, but I was drawn, fascinated by Mary's complete submission and trust. "May everything you have said about me be true."
We have received another blessing of our own. As of next April, I will no longer be able to call my blog, "Falconer Five" and "Falconer Six" just does not have that nice of ring to it. I have be honest that I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed, and that, at times, when I think of taking care of another human being, my breathe is completely taken away. However, I also realize what an amazing gift God has given us.
Last night, Blue and I lay in bed talking about our little Ocean. He brought up the question of what would happen to Ocean when he is a teenager, or even an adult. Yes, the future for Ocean is uncertain and a little scary, but I was filled with joy that God is enabling me to bring life to another person that would love and care for our precious boy.
So, yeah, I am missing the half-marathon again this year. The next few years of our lives will be hazy with chaos, but we will have lots of laughs, and lots of love. I am so blessed.

Good news

2009-09-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

What exactly does the "end of summer" mean? For some, it may be the returning to school, or the end of a vacation. For those of us living in Canmore, we are finally experiencing the warm, sunny weather that is associated with summer at the end of August, beginning of September.
The shorter days, and the changing of colors are vivid reminders though that fall will soon be surrounding us. No season is as short as summer up here in this wild northern land. We make every attempt to cram in all of the outdoor time we possibly can during these tantalizing months. We feel cheated if we don't soak in at least a solid week of good weather.
As I look back through the blurry window of time that contains my own summer, I cannot help but be thankful. I am oh so very tired today. We have worked hard to maintain the balance of a busy, small business, lots of family, and our dear friends, who have been so patient and supportive. I have to be honest, I sometimes did not hold up as well as I would have liked. I am a proud multi-tasker, and as the burdens and responsibilities became overwhelming, I would lash out at whoever or whatever was closest. I yearned to feast on the fruits of the Spirit, and have those fruits of love, patience, and kindness be evident in my life. However, the harder I tried, the more venom would spew from my spirit.
Our pastor has spent much time in the past year on teaching us to recognize the difference between the world's scale and God's scale. I realized that much of the time this summer, I was measuring myself on the world's scale. Dreaming of full nights sleep, consistent breaks from my responsiblities, or endless lattes', I would drag through my days, actually looking forward to the end of summer.
A visit from a good friend of ours sometime around mid-June was an unexpected surprise. Blue actually had the visit with him, and came home with a message: Hebrews 3 and 4. I have read them many times over the last few months. They promised me something that I greatly desired, REST. Our physical, human bodies need a day of rest. They need daily nourishment, and sleep. These are things that God encourages us to do for our own benefit. But, they are oh so temporary.
However, there is good news....He has prepared the ultimate rest, and he has set a time for entering this rest...today! And, this Rest? He understands my failings, my weaknesses! I can boldly enter this Rest, and receive grace and mercy! Thank you, Jesus, this is good news.

Blessed be the name...

2009-08-08T13:42:00.001-07:00

Someone stole a substantial amount of money from our business last night.

When I first received the call, I allowed all of those natural feelings to flow over me...anger, disappointment, disgust, and of course, nausea. As I drove the twenty minutes from our house to the scene of the crime, I prayed, begging God to come through for me on this one. I thought through what possibly could have happened. Why is it that when bad things happen to us, we instantly look for someone or something to blame?
I arrived to find two distraught employees. One of them, bless her heart, told me that it was ok if I swore, because this was definitely a "swearing" moment. She made me smile. I expressed my disappointment, the importance of all of us learning from this mistake, but I didn't swear. We gave our statements to the police, and discussed the severity of the situation for some more time. When there was nothing else to do or say, I drove home.

I sank into my seat, hopeless, for I knew that no matter how kind, sincere, or hard-working that policeman was, that money would never be found. Suddenly, I my turmoilous spirit quieted. How awesome, how amazing, that there were probably only two people in this whole world who knew what had happened to that money. One was the desperate person who took the money, and the second is my Heavenly Father, with whom I have a personal relationship with.

I started to ask myself if I really trusted Him fully, if I really believed that He cares about me and my problems, if I really knew in the deepest part of my soul that I am a small part in the big picture, that it is not really about me, but His glory, that I am a vessel to be used to bring honor to Him, then what did I have to be anxious about?

I quietly answered yes to each of these questions, then began to pray for whoever took that money. I prayed that the money would be of help, that it would be used for good and not evil, and that somehow, someway, God would ultimately be glorified.
One last thought exploded into my head as I pulled into my driveway....all that I have comes from God anyway, it all belongs to Him to do with as He pleases. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away..blessed be the name of the Lord."

More like Ocean...

2009-08-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

We ate dinner at Burger King last night. That sentence is a complete portrayal of present circumstances at the Falconer household right now. It was delicious, greasy, and there may have even been a tomato in my sandwich. Not quite my vegetable intake for the day, but it would have to do. I believe that people must eat at fast food restaurants for several reasons. 1) They tell themselves they are in some kind of hurry. 2) It is fairly cheap and 3) your kids can run around screaming during dinner, and it is ok. Anyway, that is why we ate there.
Watching the kids play while we ate, I noticed a little boy approach Ocean. "Can you talk?" he asked, inches from Ocean's face. Ocean just smiled at him. Within moments, he was surrounded by children, "can you talk?" "can you talk?" "Can you talk?"
I felt the anxiousness well up inside me, I wanted to answer for him, go over and put my arms around him, and tell those children to go away. Instead, I took another bit of my greasy sandwich, popped a few fries in my mouth and watched. Ocean is a beautiful child, and there was only pleasure on his face as he looked at each child and smiled.
After we arrived home last night, two kids in bed, I was finishing up some dishes and I realized I hadn't seen Ocean for a few moments. I dried my hands as I walked downstairs, calling his name. I dropped the towel when I saw that the back door was open. I ran outside calling his name. I found him at the end of the driveway. He had pulled a chair down there and was sitting there, grinning up at the moon. I knelt beside him and looked up. Heart Mountain was aglow with the light of the nearly full moon. It was breathtaking. I looked at my little boy, his face was as bright as the moon. He was so happy. We sat there for a long time. I thought of what brings me pleasure, when all of my work is completed, when I have made a healthy meal for my family, when I feel as if I am in control, when our bills our paid and many other trivial things. Ocean may not be able to carry on a full conversation, but I do know that Ocean finds the greatest pleasure from sitting in the presence of God and His beautiful creation.
I want to be more like Ocean.

Stillness, Solitude and Silence....

2009-07-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

I have just shut myself in the office. I can hear the kids voices just outside my door. I am watching the rain soak the earth outside. I have turned on my playlist of praise music. The Old School Bus Ice Cream is closed today because of the rain.
My brain appears unable to function. I am making much effort to will my fingers to type. I am desperately seeking three S's - stillness, solitude and silence. They are out there somewhere, floating just out of reach.
I am reading about Elijah, standing on the mountain before the Lord. "And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake; but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice..."
My to-do list is overwhelmingly long, the phone is constantly jingling for my attention, the pressures of trying to be everything to everyone are weighing on my shoulders, the desire to scream and throw something is becoming more and more attractive, and did I mention the kids? Through my rain-soaked window, I can glimpse the peaks of the Rocky Mountains, and God's still small voice whispers in my ear, Lift your eyes up to My mountains, where does your help come from? It comes from Me, maker of heaven and earth.

We all belong to each other

2009-07-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

We became member of Mountain Baptist Church in Canmore last week. We first attended this church when we moved to Canada almost 8 years ago. We have been attending on a regular basis for the past 2 years. Our pastor, Trevor Sato, has made an irreversible imprint on our lives. I am so thankful for God's leading in bringing our family to this family. I look back on the last two years, the good and the bad, and by God's grace, we have grown so much. This humble man has directed us upward on more than one occasion. He has taught me true application of God's Word, he has taught me how to listen, how to be still, how to worship, and how to really see God.
We have learned and experienced grace. God's judgment is truly an awesome and powerful thing to understand and to fear. However, God's grace and mercy brings one to his knees.
I attended a Christian school when I was young, a few years of public school, and then on to Christian university. This was all a part of God's plan for my story and I am grateful. However, both of my Christian education facilities had a lot of rules, and I mean, a lot of rules. These are important, I am not degrading that, but I experienced a lot of frustration trying to live the "good Christian life". I never felt like I was good enough.
Trevor stripped all of those rules away, and looked at my heart. Blue and I received marriage counseling from Trevor last year. He showed me my heart, my needy heart, that wasn't needy at all, but was full. My heart was already full of Christ, His joy, His peace, and His love. I was not and would not ever be in need of anything else.
The mission statement of Mountain Baptist is this: To Become and make disciples of Jesus through authentic relationships.
Authentic relationships with our co-workers, with our neighbors, and with our fellow Christians, that will bring glory to our God.
"Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ's body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other."

Life lessons to be learned...by a three year old

2009-07-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

Blue tells me that my blog is too serious, that I need to write something funny. Well, I guess I am a serious person, but I would like to be a funny person too. So, I tried to think of something funny to write about...
The last few weeks have been a series of attempts to potty-train my two-year old son, Forest. We have experienced victories and failures, and I am sure you all can see where this story is going.
One day, I was trying the "let him run around with nothing on" plan. I was in the office trying to get some work done. Meadow and Forest were at the kitchen table, playing with playdough. I hear Forest start to cry. Now, when you have been a mom long enough, you can distinguish your children's cries. So, I was sure this was not a cry of pain, but maybe of frustration. I decided to keep working and wait it out. The crying became more intense, and when I called to Meadow, there was no answer. Reluctantly, I ran to the kitchen to see what the problem was. There was a distinct smell as I walked into the room, and I looked over to see Meadow rubbing her hands together. There were brown smears on the wall beside her.
"Meadow, what happened?"
"Mom, Forest pooed, and I thought it was brown playdough, so I tried to form a ball. It isn't playdough, mom, it has nuts in it! I tried to wipe my hands off on the walls!"
Forest may still not be potty-trained, but it was still a very successful day. My daughter had learned an important life lesson: how to tell the difference between poo and brown playdough - look to see if there are nuts!!

If only we all knew

2009-07-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

The man approaching the ice cream bus was, well, weathered. I would never venture to guess his age because I somehow knew that I would be wrong. I instinctively felt that he was much younger than he looked. He was unbelieveably skinny. He wore a faded denim shirt, only one button holding it together. As he stepped up onto the deck, the wind caught the shirt and that last button released its hold, revealing a rib cage without an ounce of fat. His wispy white hair was covered by a straw, cowboy hat. When he smiled at me, I nearly stepped back, there were only a few teeth remaining.
"Today is a special day and I am treating myself to some ice cream," he grinned.
I just stared at him for a moment. He sounded as if he may be a bit intoxicated, but his blue eyes were as clear as the sky above.
"Ice cream is always a great treat," I replied. "Why is today special?"
He gave me his order, and as I began to scoop, he tells me that today is his birthday.
"Well, Happy Birthday!" I exclaimed.
"It is my last one" he stated.
That sentence got my attention. I turned to look at him.
"What makes you say that?" I asked
I felt frozen as he proceeded to tell me that he has liver cancer, and has been given only a few months to live. I placed an extra scoop on his cone, and looked him right in that clear, blue eye.
"Do you know where you are going when you die?"
"I have a one-way ticket straight to hell" he laughed.
"Jesus loves you, and you actually have an advantage because you know when you are going to die. Many people do not know. You have time to accept God's great gift and spend eternity with him."
I spent the next few minutes explaining how he could know that he was going to go to heaven.
He smiled and thanked me. As he walked away, I thought to myself how different this world could be if only we all knew. Life is a precious gift that humans often take for granted.
"...For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."

My awesome dad - Part 2

2009-06-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Father's Day. Of course, I would like to say that I wrote this yesterday, or even before, however, one can't lie with modern computers these days. So, yes, I am writing a day late, one can never be late when publicly commending the awesomeness (is that a word?) of one's father. So, here goes....
One of the most difficult, yet joyous experiences of my life thus far has been the birth of my oldest son, Ocean. I have never been so afraid. Two amazing men were by my side when Ocean entered this world. One was my own father, who has given me more than my deserved share of mercy and unconditional love. The other was my husband, who although he became a father for the first time that night, stepped into the role as if he had been a father all of his life.
Ocean was in the hospital for six days. My dad was, well, my dad. He has never been an extremely emotional man, so I can't say that he cried with me, or held me. Not knowing was the hardest part, and still is with Ocean. My dad, in his own way, held me up. His presence alone, kept me from falling apart. I know that he hurt with me, that he prayed with me. And, he never had to say a word, I just knew.
Last year, we had Ocean tested for autism. I was a little nervous about meeting the developmental pediatrician. Over the course of Ocean's six years, he has grown increasingly fearful of doctors. I walked into the office, holding Ocean's hand, whispering calming words. Ocean immediately walked over to the doctor, put his hand on the doctor's knee, and smiled up into his face. The doctor picked him up, and Ocean began to stroke his beard. I was shocked. I opened my mouth, and I realized...Dr. Prince looked just like my dad! And, Ocean loves my dad.
I am so blessed. I have a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, who loves me unconditionally, overflows with grace and mercy, and whose faithfulness floods my life daily. This awesome Father gave me an awesome earthly father, and an awesome earthly father for my son. Thank You!

Blue Sky Falconer

2009-06-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my husband and I celebrated our 11th anniversary. Absolutely amazing! I want to quote a very cliche phrase, "where does the time go?"

I met Blue Sky Falconer 13 years ago at Red Cliff Bible Camp. He was late for counselor training, our director informed us that we still had one more male counselor coming. During one of our sessions, we heard a very strange noise. We all walked to porch, and were greeted by a very strange sight. A very small, rusty, may I say clunky red Toyota, was chugging its final stretch up the mountain. When it finally reached its destination, it seemed to breathe and sigh of relief and shut off. The door creaked open, and a guy stepped out. He had recently grown out a beard, and looked very tired. He had driven from Canada. All I knew of Canada was that they had a beautiful national anthem and that Victoria was a fantastic tourist destination. Now I knew that they also produced very handsome men.

Two weeks later, I wrote in my journal that I had met the man I was going to marry. Not only was he very, very cute, he loved God, he was a hard worker, we served well together, he loved the outdoors, he was kind, the campers loved him, and he was extremely funny. We married two years later.

The last eleven years have seen dreams fulfilled, promises kept, three beautiful children born, life lived in some breathtaking places, but never, never a dull moment. There are times I am not as openly thankful for those moments, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Recently, he has been working on a trail here in Exshaw. I first walked his trail a few years ago. I had some serious doubt, and was overwhelmed by the amount of work required to make this little path a usable trail. Last week, his picture was published in the local newspaper, riding the Prospector. I have had three calls in the last two days from people inquiring about this trail. That is my Blue... and I love him more now than ever. I am so excited to see what the next eleven years hold for us...

Happy Birthday dad!

2009-06-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's 67th birthday.
I know that I am only one of many who believes my dad to be a very special person. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have heard someone say, "You're dad is the nicest man." Yeah, I definitely agree.
The other phrase I have heard countless times is, "It must be nice to have a dad who can't yell at you." I usually just stare at them on that one, because, as I remember it growing up, my dad had absolutely no trouble getting his point across when he wanted to.
Before I was born, before my parents were married, my dad was in a very serious accident. As a result of his injuries, he lost his voice, or at least the volume of his voice. Since then, he has only ever been able to whisper. Often times, we never know why God allows certain things to happen, and why we humans love to sit around and analyze is beyond me. I do know that being around my dad has always been like a soothing balm for me. Sometimes, he talks to me, often, he just listens. If you want to have a conversation with dad, you have to listen. My mom taught me to love to talk, my dad taught me to listen.
I have three kids of my own now. Believe me, there are moments in every day where I feel like I have to raise my voice to be heard. My dad taught me that is not true.
My dad was always patient with me. He would hold my hand and encourage me on. When I didn't want to hike anymore, when I failed a test, when I was teased at school, when I broke up with my first boyfriend, when I didn't make the basketball team, when I graduated from high school, when I flew away to college, when I met Blue, when I walked down the aisle, and when Ocean was born...dad was always there, always encouraging me to do my best, to be content, and to never quit.
I love you so much, dad. I miss you. I am so blessed to have you as my dad. Happy Birthday!

Too high a price...

2009-06-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a big week for the Falconers. I believe that thought comes to mind at the end of every week, but I have to remind myself that God is so good.
We opened our Old School Bus Ice Cream this week. God blessed us with continuous days of sunshine. I looked out the bus window at one point, and saw the endless line of customers, and thought about Christ instructing Peter to cast his net after fishing all night, and the net nearly breaking from all of the fish. God is so good.
God is sovereign and is at work all around us, although we often fail to see or acknowledge His presence. The night before the bus opened, we experienced His presence in a way that had me flat down on my face praising Him. We had been working for a few days in preparation. Against our better judgment, we often had the kids with us. On Friday evening, we had just finished a meeting with our staff, Meadow and Forest were both sitting on the deck. I walked inside the bus for just a moment, and I heard Blue yelling my name....I glanced out the window to see my little baby Forest, walking across Main St.!!!I have heard people say that time freezes when a disaster is imminent. My scream was lodged in my throat as I watched Taylor, a staff member who had just left the bus, stop his car and jump out. There were not any cars coming the other direction and Forest crossed safely to be scooped up by a lady on the other side, who immediately ran him back across and into my shaking arms. Praise God, Praise God Praise God... was all I could say.
I didn't sleep that night. I paced the house, and told God over and over how sorry I was for being so negligent. I told Him that I never could have forgiven myself. I imagined the loss of Forest over and over in my mind, and how I don't think that I could have survived. I would never be able to face Blue, or our family, or Meadow and Ocean, and explain to them that it was my fault that their son, their grandchild, their brother, their cousin, their nephew was gone. I thanked Him for protecting my son, crying out that it would have been too high of a price... God held me in His everlasting arms, in the shelter of His wing for hours that night, secure in His love. He gently reminded me of the loss of His only Son, the price to be paid for the redemption of mankind. Thank you, Father.
The second BIG thing that occurred involved our condo situation. Two years ago, we borrowed money from a private loaner to purchase and reno a condo. It was a short term loan and was designed to be payed back within a year, then the condo burned down. We had to renegotiate with them, because we really had no choice. Well, here we are two years later. I have learned two invaluable lessons that honestly have been worth the pressure and financial stress of the last two years. One, God is my security, He is ALL I need. Second, I love my husband unconditionally. Life is hard. Life is a journey. Ultimately, whatever happens in our lives, whatever poor decisions we make, I want God to be glorified.
This week, Blue's parents, graciously and sacrificially, refinanced their house to pay off our loan! It is much easier to give than I receive, I am sure. This is very humbling. They are showing Jesus to us, the price is too high for us to pay. We are forever grateful.
I read a few verses in II Corinthians this morning, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers."

Just another day in paradise...

2009-05-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I believe that I say that at the end of every couple of weeks. There has been so much goodness though, which means there has been so much God at work in our lives. We went to Saskatoon for Mother's Day. It was a pleasant drive with the kids, absolute miracle. And, although we were there for only a few short days, we had a great visit with Blue's parents, his brother, Dale, and his uncle, Dennis. Family is a precious gift that is often taken for granted.
Last weekend was May long weekend here in Canada, Victoria Day. We decided that we were feeling young and adventurous and packed up the three kids, our dog, a few days worth of food and drove up to the takeoff point for the rafting trips that Blue will be guiding for this summer. Our good friends, Josh and Kelly, met us up there. Although, they were pulling a large trailer. Ok, I admit it, I was a little jealous. I do think, however, that the "five-man" tent that we slept in was a little misadvertised...maybe a three-man? Anyhow, 3 of our people were very small, and Kiska, our lab, was our heater. We had a great time, even waking up to snow the second morning, gotta love the mountains!
And, we made it out for our first, hopefully not last, hike of the year. Johnson Lake is beautiful, and the kids did a great job. I am so rich. God has given me a wonderful husband, and kids, and I am forever grateful.

What can I do?

2009-05-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

It has been an amazing week. I called my sister on Monday. It had been nearly a week since we had last talked. The first thing she said was, "Where have you been?"
That is my sister. We usually talk every couple of days. We tell each other everything. We talk about our kids, our homes, our lives. We laugh, we cry. I live twelve hours away from her and miss her every day. She listened to me for over thirty minutes, telling her about my week. Then, my phone died. Arrgghh! Technology, who needs it? Well, at that moment, I did. So, I grabbed my other phone and called her back. This time the first thing she said was, "We sold our house!" "What!!!!!???!!" I yelled so loud, I probably permanently damaged her ears. She probably wanted to tell me quick before my second phone died. However, she managed to tell the story, amidst my whoops of excitement, of how her house sold, and they bought another house within a couple of days. God is so AWESOME!!
We have been praying for her house to sell for over a year. She and Joe live about 20 minutes outside of Rexburg, and believed that God wanted them to be closer to their church and their ministry. Their new house is four miles from the church. They also believed God wanted them to use their home for Him, they often kept missionaries in their house. The house that God has provided has more than enough space for them to house visiting missionaries comfortably. Did I mention that God is AWESOME?!
We sang a song in our worship this last Sunday that I haven't been able to get out of my head all week. I love it when that happens...

When I see the beauty of the sunset's glory
Amazing artistry
across the evening sky
When I feel the mystery of a distant galaxy
It awes and humbles me to be loves by a God so high

What can I do but thank you
What can I do but give my life to you
Hallelujah, hallelujah
What can I do but praise you
Every day make everything I do
A hallelujah, a hallelujah
hallelujah

When I hear the story of a God of mercy
Who shared humanity
and suffered by our side
Of the cross they nailed you to
That could not hold you
Now you're making all things new
By the power of your risen life

God is so good. Another amazing thing happened this week. We have been trying for a few months to make contact with and secure another lease from the landlord who owns the lot that we use for our Ice Cream Bus. We have experienced peaks of frustration that I never thought possible. Today was the deadline for submitting the lease to the Town of Canmore for development. This morning, as my heart began to admit failure, I bowed my knee to the only One who is powerful enough to create a miracle. An hour later, the call came in, they would meet with us this afternoon!
And, this evening, I am staring at our lease for the summer!
"What can I do but thank You, what can I do but give my life to you, Hallelujah, hallelujah! What can I do but praise You. Every day make everything I do a hallelujah, a hallelujah, a hallelujah."

1 in 8

2009-05-04T19:13:00.000-07:00

I had the most blessed opportunity to attend the CAUSE Mother's Day Gala this past weekend. It has been said than when you are feeling sorry for yourself, there is always someone in a worse situation. This was one of those events that you walk away from feeling sober, guilty, and thankful all at the same time.
CAUSE Canada is a non-profit Christian organization that battles poverty all over the world, but has a focus in Sierra Leone, Guatemala and the Honduras. This particular event was a fund-raiser for the building of birthing huts for women and children in the country of Sierra Leone. This is a country that sees a staggering death rate among pregnant women of 1 in 8. Unbelievable! Canada has a death rate of 1 in 11,000. I have personally given birth to three children. Every time I found out that I was pregnant, I would experience a rush of emotions, a little fear, lots of excitement. However, it never once crossed my mind that I could die.
The cost of building a birthing hut in Sierra Leone is $3,000. This hut would provide prenatal and postnatal care. It would provide a sanitary birth by experienced midwives. It would give thousands of women hope that they and their newborn may survive.
At the conclusion of the evening, I was overwhelmed with the thought that I am so blessed here in Canada. I was convicted by the fact that I often get so caught up in my own problems, and think of the poor in Africa as something that I can do nothing about. However, God has told us that He has chosen the weak and foolish things of the world, I am sure that He can choose the poor as well.

How can I keep from singing?

2009-04-27T19:04:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to run in the Rocky Mountain Soap Company Annual Women's Run. It truly is an amazing thing to run with over a thousand women. Blue says the estrogen is a bit overpowering for him, but he is a good sport and he and the kids cheer me on.
I ran the same race last year, and I recognized something I already knew, women like to do things like this in groups. I am a bit of a loner and prefer to run alone. Another thing about women I already knew, they love to talk. Therefore, last year I found that I was in the midst of the Canadian Rockies, enjoying the outdoors, and surrounded by talking women. And, believe me, they talk about everything...
This year, I arrived at the race, proud of myself for remembering to bring my Ipod. There would be no listening to 1,000 women talking this year, no way, I was going to listen to my praise music and was so excited about it.
A few minutes before the race began, the MC put on some rock song with the purpose to get us all "pumped up". I just smiled,put in my ear buds, and cranked up the volume. The song that came on was "How can I keep from singing Your praise?" I started jumping up and down and singing out loud. I was pumped. The whistle blew, and the herd of women began to move.... I kept singing, patting myself on the back once again for remembering the Ipod. This was going to be great.

"How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love. How can I keep from shouting Your name. I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing."

Wait, what was this? Where is the next song? I was in the middle of quite a lengthy hill, and was in no position to check the status of my Ipod, but, sure enough, it lay silent in my jacket pocket. This can't be happening. But, it was...

I made it through the race. I even began to enjoy the women's voices around me.
In the hour that I ran, I must have sung that song a thousand times in my head.
I realized that my sovereign God, who always has a purpose, had a plan for me. And, a few times in the last couple of days, I have felt down, or tired, or discouraged. I have lifted my eyes to the One who has given me a new song, and sung, "How can I keep from singing your praise?"

"There is an endless song, echoes in my soul, I hear the music ring. And, though the storms may come, I am holding on, and to the Rock I cling."

He is Risen!

2009-04-20T10:12:00.001-07:00

It has been over a week since Easter Sunday, and the awe of that celebration has yet to wear off. Every time I read the story of Mary Magdalene at the tomb, weeping for her Lord, questioning the man she believed to be the gardener and the Lord saying her name,"Mary", I get goosebumps. I have attended many a Easter Sunday in my 32 years, and the simplicity and the beauty of this service will forever be in my heart.

My sister and her husband pastor a small gathering of believers in Rexburg, Idaho. Rexburg is a small college town, home of Brigham Young University. The percentage of Mormons living here is over 90%. Mormonism is a false religion that has persuaded thousands of people that they can work their way to heaven. This is the town that Joe and Sus have been called to, and have served faithfully and joyfully for eight years. By the way, faithful and joyful service for God only comes from God. I am not trying to brag on Joe and Sus, I am merely trying to express my thoughts of knowing two people who sincerely allow Christ to be lived out through them on a daily basis. Allowing Christ to be seen in your life is simply a matter of putting self last and Christ first. Easy, eh?
Anyway, back to Easter. This small body of Christ in Rexburg gathered together early Sunday morning to enjoy a breakfast and to read the story of our Lord's resurrection. The service that followed was not a grand display of the talents and gifts that God has given His people, rather it was a simple offering of the heart. It reminded me of the story of the drummer boy coming to see the King at Christmas, and having nothing of material value to give, he played his drum. It was beautiful.
I have thought of that service daily since last week. What will I do when Christ says my name, "Debbie"? The desire of my heart is to immediately recognize His voice and respond, "Master".

His going forth is certain...

2009-04-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

I am ashamed that I have let so many days drift by without writing about the goodness of my Lord. Life has this amazing capability of sucking me in, like quicksand, and time washes over me like a flood, out of my control. And, as I rush from activity to activity, from meeting to meeting, and from diaper to diaper, I find myself attempting to accomplish everything on my own, becoming proud when projects are completed, and worrying when I feel as if I should be able to do more. It is then, I feel a gentle reminder, "Be still, and know that I am God."
Two things are certain. One, God is God and I am not. Two, God is good, all the time.
Life is crazy, no one can argue that point. It is full of joys. We have committed to ministry in the outdoors this summer. Blue passed his EMR course. Ocean will be in 1st grade next year. It is also full of disappointments. Our ice cream business has not sold, and we are without a lease for the summer. But, through all of the joys and disappointments, I must know that God is good. "So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain, Like he spring rain watering the earth."

Ocean reaches out

2009-03-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I began to believe that God was trying to tell me something. I was reading in II Corinthians 1, and I just couldn't get past the first four verses.
Our journey with our little boy, Ocean, has built a day-by-day faith. We have cried, we have laughed, we have lashed out, we have trusted, we have succeeded, we have failed, we have been strong, and we have been very weak. Yet, through every test, every tear, every joy, we know that "God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;" has never left our side.
"Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort then which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
Knowing that God was with us, that He had a higher purpose, we chose to trust Him. But, I have to be honest, I really wanted to be able to see some of that purpose revealed here on earth. As I read these verses over and over, I began to pray that God would allow me to be able to comfort another in their pain, to be able to share my testimony and how God's love is all-sufficient. And, I believe that God was preparing me for just that.
Last week, a neighbor approached me at a play group. She began to tell me about her best friend, another lady here in my town that I have seen on occasion. This lady's name is Anna. Eight months ago, she gave birth to a beautiful little girl. This precious little one was just diagnosed with a rare form of Downs syndrome. My heart just broke as this friend related how Anna has seemingly shut herself off from the rest of the world, and is absorbed with her grief. I just wanted to shout, "I know, I know how that feels!" Her friend then asked me if I would be willing to reach out to her. I just looked and her and thought, "Yes, of course, Yes, God has already prepared me for this moment."
I feel so blessed to be able to invite her over for coffee and share that she is not alone.
"For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ."
Please pray that God will reach out through my words and Ocean's gentleness to touch Anna and her precious baby girl.

Moments passing by quickly...

2009-03-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

Everyone tells me that these 'toddler' years will fly by so quickly. It must be true if 'everyone' says it. My experience has been otherwise, however I try to remind myself daily that these years will pass by quickly and I want to enjoy every minute. These pics were from a wonderful, winter afternoon spent at Lake Louise.

A reminder of dangers...

2009-02-25T14:39:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I was speed-reading through our local newspaper. I speed-read for apparent reasons. It is no wonder that many moms are not diagnosed with ADD. Ok, see? I am distracted already. Anyhow, I was reading through the paper, when I came across an article that drew in my attention and my imagination. The writer was describing an event that had taken place a few days earlier in the town site of Canmore, 15 minutes from my house. No one had actually witnessed this grisly scene, but conservation officers, after a short investigation were able to piece together the events that had taken place.
They believe that a male bighorn sheep of considerable size had wandered along a cliff that overhung a large creek bed. For some time prior, possibly even hours, this particular sheep had been followed by an animal that is becoming more common to our area, and is causing some concern, the mountain lion. This mountain lion had tirelessly tracked the sheep for an unbelievably long time before making his move.
When a mountain lion finally pounces, it is with a deadly certainty. He will act with lightning swiftness, clamping its powerful jaws shut on the neck of the unfortunate animal that was his prey. He will then, no matter the injuries he himself incur es, will stubbornly refuse to let go of his prey until the battle is won. This particular battle was a fierce one. This muscular sheep was also determined to live, and would refuse to go down without a fight. He drug the mountain lion, possibly for hundreds of feet. The investigation found plants uprooted, rocks moved, branches broken where the two animals had struggled. As the sheep began to tire, he lay down and started to roll down an embankment, dragging the lion with him. The two majestic animals rolled for about forty feet before plummeting off a ten foot cliff into the creek bed below. The battle was finally won, and the lion waited until the sheep had drawn his final breath before he released his hold. Exhausted, he lay down beside his kill, while he tried to regain his strength. Generally, a mountain lion will drag his kill into the forest, away from any dangers that would interrupt his hard-earned meal. However, this lion, due to lack of strength and possibly injuries incurred from the long fight, left the sheep in the middle of the creek bed. He fed for a short amount of time before the rising sun, and morning movement in the town startled him away. A early morning hiker called in the bloody scene, and a few days later, the town and surrounding area read about the battle.
This was a reminder to many of us that we live in the Rocky Mountains, in the midst of a large wildlife corridor. We are constantly receiving warnings about the dangers that surround us.
That same week, a friend of ours, a girl that Blue went to high school with, contacted Blue about some work. When he arrived at her business several days later, she apologized that she wasn't completely prepared for the meeting. When he inquired, she tearfully explained that her husband, father of her four children, had left her. Her story was so unbelievably sad, and yet not so uncommon. We, as Christians, live in a very dangerous place. We are in the middle of an enormous worldly corridor. We are surrounded by danger, and many of us ignore the warnings that are given. Jesus warned us that we are to live in the world, but not of the world. He warned us that we have an fierce enemy seeking to devour us. Sometimes, in my comfy marriage, in my comfy church, in my comfy country, in my comfy life, I need a reminder of the dangers.

Abba Father

2009-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

Last night we decided to go have dinner with our wonderful friends, the Genns. Kelly fixed a delicious dinner, and we were all sitting around enjoying a toasted marshmallow latte, when Forest came clunking down the hallway wearing a pair of shoes that belonged to Ella, the Genns' 3-year old daughter. We all laughed at him, he was so cute. Not even a moment later, he tripped. Now, all kids fall quite a bit, but he did this one right. Blue jumped out of his chair and ran over to him, scooping him up in his arms, groaning, "oh, no, Forest." I didn't realize what had happened, but when Blue turned around and I saw the blood gushing from his forehead, I realized that he had struck his head directly on the corner of the wall.
We all jumped into action, grabbing ice, cloths, and even the phone. The entire time, Blue just held onto Forest, kissing his head, and mumbling, "oh, buddy."
Josh grabbed the keys and he and Blue were out the door with Forest, trying to make it to the walk-in clinic before they closed.
It was disappointing to have them return a few minutes later, informing us that the clinic had closed and we would have to drive back to Canmore, 40 minutes away. Blue dropped me, Meadow, and Ocean off at our house, and he and Forest drove away to the hospital.
As he drove away, I stood in the swirling snowflakes and remembered the picture of him holding that little boy in his arms. He held him with such love and tenderness. And, the expression on his face said that he would do anything to take away his child's pain. As I walked inside, praying for my husband and my little boy, I knew that my Heavenly Father was holding me in the same way.
Forest had four stitches, and all reports inform me that he was a brave patient.
Thank you, Abba Father.

Cleansing

2009-02-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

So, a few months ago, I bought a cleanse. Of course, for reasons way beyond my control, I did not start it until February 1st. I am a bit of a procrastinator, I will be honest.
By the time I started it, I felt as if I had spent adequate time preparing mentally and physically. It has always seemed strange to me that there is a surprisingly enormous amount of mental energy exerted when denying the physical body something that the body truly craves. I do not recommend my method, which was to attempt to store up sugar and caffeine for the duration of the cleanse. The day before the cleanse began, I made a vain effort to consume enough sugar and coffee so that, presumably, my body would not miss it for the next two weeks. It did not work.
The first day, I jumped out of bed, eager to begin my new healthy lifestyle,ok, my new healthy two weeks. Two weeks will go by really fast, right? Some scrambled eggs, and a cup of tea, not my usual breakfast, but it would work. Lunch consisted of a large salad, with a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Dinner would get a little monotonous soon, but meat, veggies and either brown rice or a baked potato would have to do.
The headache that began in the early evening of the first day and lasted for the next several days, would often whisper in my ear that coffee was my friend, that sugar would make me feel better. But, my stubborn streak persisted and I made another cup of tea. By day four, I was certain that it was not in my family's best interests for me to deny myself any longer. To say it mildly, I was a little cranky. After a gentle reminder from my husband that the purpose of this cleanse was to actually make me feel better, I decided to...have another carrot stick.
By day seven, I honestly could understand how Esau felt. If I had anything that resembled a birthright, I would have sold it for a bagel, smothered in cream cheese, and large latte. And, is it possible to hallucinate from the lack of sugar?
Day nine dawned and I was actually feeling a little bit proud of my accomplishment. I wanted everyone to know about my cleanse and the great sacrifices I was making for the betterment of my body. However, as the last few days dragged by, I found myself spending a lot of time dreaming and planning my menu for when this ordeal was over.
One morning, as I was reading God's Word, He spoke to me through Ps 119:9 "Wherewithal shall a young man cleanse his way? by taking heed thereto according to thy word."
It is a good thing to practice discipline in the area of eating. To deny our flesh satisfaction for any period of time will strengthen us physically and spiritually. But, how can we truly be cleansed of all that our spirits have absorbed from this world? By hearing and obeying the Word!!
The directions on the back of my cleanse recommend that a person do one of these twice a year. That is four weeks out of fifty-two weeks that I am denying myself all of the deliciousness that certain foods have to offer. The purpose of the cleanse is to rid the body of any toxins that tend to linger after the prolonged intake of foods that basically are not good for the body. It takes planning and a lot of discipline.
How many weeks do I need to deny myself spiritually of all that this world has to offer? How much planning and discipline do I need to rid my soul of toxins that prolonged access to the world has built up?

Everyday

2009-02-06T11:31:00.000-08:00

Just a few pics. Ocean loves skiing, and his instructor, Hannah, is wonderful. God has given us three beautiful children, and I am so thankful everyday to be their mom.

Probably...

2009-02-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

"There is probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." When I first saw this ad, being plastered on the sides of buses in Toronto, and expected to receive more sponsorhip for ads across Canada, I was really angry. However, as I allowed the thought to sink in, I felt laughter bubble up inside.
I imagined a plane full of excited passengers, on route from San Francisco to Sydney Australia. The pilot's voice booms over the intercom, "Welcome to our flight, we probably have enough fuel to make it over the ocean, so go ahead and enjoy the flight." I am visualizing that plane emptying out pronto.
Blue and I traveled to Asia quite a few years ago. I still remember the winding, mountain roads, the old buses, and the very capable drivers. I am sure that I would have reacted with fear if our driver would have announced that the brakes would probably work, so just hold on and enjoy the ride to the bottom of the mountain.
Probably. That very word screams of uncertainty. If I were not a believer in God, and I most certainly am, but if I were not, that word would cause me to have many sleepless nights. What if there is? What if there is a God, and He is the God of the Bible? What if He is loving and merciful, but also righteous and just? What if He is coming to earth again? A fool says in his heart that there is no God.
There is a God, believe on Him and He will bring joy to your life.

LTG

2009-02-01T10:54:00.000-08:00

My husband is part of a LTG group. This is a Life Transformation Group. Our pastor introduced them to our church quite a few years ago. One group consists of 2 or 3 men. They meet once a week, usually early morning, and ask each other some pointed questions. These questions are designed to keep each of the men accountable. It is a great idea and has had great success in our little body of Christ.
Over Christmas, we were discussing the group with my brother, who is a pastor down in Idaho. He asked me if there were such a group for women, what type of questions would I ask. My first instinct was that women do not really need such a group, they probably tend to share too much. However, I have been thinking about it for the past month and these are the questions that I came up with.
I sat down and thought about the areas that I am vulnerable, the areas that I could use a Christian sister to ask me about and pray with me about.
1) Have I allowed anyone or anything to take the place of God as first in my life? Exodus 20:3
2) This week, have I realized that God Himself is the fulfillment of all my need? And, in doing so, I have not placed pressure on anyone or anything to complete my needs? Phil 4:19
3) Have I served those around me, especially my husband and children, with joy and the purpose being to please God and not receive any benefit in return? I Cor 10:31
4) Have I been content with all of the material things that God has graciously provided for me? Hebrews 13:5
5) Have I allowed myself to envy the possessions or circumstances of another?
Phil 4:11
6) Have I allowed my mouth to be used for gossip or slander of another person?
Ps 19:14
7) Have I allowed another person to experience God's love through me? Matt 5:16
8) Have I loved the "unloveable" this week? Matt 5:44
9) Have I started my days with time, no matter how short, spent in God's Word to me? II Tim 3:16
10) When I am hurt, disappointed, or angry, have I taken my problems straight to the throne of grace, rather than to another person? Heb 4:16
11) Have I allowed my life, no matter what the circumstances, to be a song of praise to my God and my King? Ps 42:5

I must stop there, for I think that is enough to keep me busy for at least a day.

"I change not.'

2009-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

My brain feels a bit like mush today. I can't seem to be able to get anything accomplished. My thoughts change so quickly, I am positive I must have ADD. I am having trouble concentrating. I know that there are so many important things that I must think about, decisions to be made, work to be done. However, how does a person achieve any of these things if their brain will not cooperate?
I am no stranger to change. My wonderful husband thrives on it, so I experience it along side him. The most impressive thought weighing on my brain today is that Blue has been without work for over a month now. Jobs have been cancelled, renovations have been postponed, and the headlines declare only gloom for the building industry this year. 5,000 construction workers have been layed off in Calgary. Hitch-hikers picked up on the highway declare that they are headed west to try to find some work. What does that mean for our little family?
God, in His sovereignty, has brought along the opportunity for Blue to take an EMR course. The Exshaw Fire Department is paying for him to take the course. This course will be the final requirement for him to become an official firefighter. He is applying to the City of Calgary. If he is accepted, it will be a big change for him, and for our family.
Another change weighing on my little brain is our ice cream business. Four summers ago, we opened an ice cream business out of an old school bus. It has become quite a bit event for summertime in Canmore. However, we believe God wants us to be doing something else with our time in the summer, running backcountry camps. It is not feasible for us to do both, so the Old School Ice Cream Bus is for sale. We have a young couple from Canmore who are seriously interested in it. If God chooses to sell it for us, we could be running camps again this summer!!
Then, there is our condo situation...let's just leave that alone for a little longer, shall we?
I feel like a wave, being tossed about by the economy, our circumstances, neither of which I can control. In the middle of my run the other day, I stopped and shook my fist at the sky and yelled, "I will not doubt you! No matter what happens, I will always trust you!" The sun peeked through the clouds and my Lord yelled back, "For I am the LORD, I change not..." I smiled, and kept running.
Whatever change occurs in our lives in the next few months, I have a sure foundation, a Rock, a shelter...
"before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou are God."

History has been made...

2009-01-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

So we have it. History has been made. Dreams have been fulfilled. Goals have been achieved. Barack Obama is the first African-American president of the United States.
Yes, it is an amazing thing. As I have watched with awe, the euphoria swell up and flow into every corner of the earth, I recognize that something momentous has occurred. During a time of darkness and gloom, this seemingly angel of light has appeared, promising hope and change. Everyone wants hope and change, right? What is wrong with that?
He promises a greener earth, he promises education and health care for everyone, he promises peace, he promises a good and safe economy, and he promises that the world will once again view the United States with respect and admiration. Living up in the beautiful country of Canada, I am often surrounded by a persuasive line of thought that places all of these promises as priorities. And, I am reminded of Satan's temptation of the Son of Man. "And Jesus answered and said unto him, Get thee behind me, Satan; for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt thou serve."
My heart sickens when I think of Obama's stand on abortion and gay marriage. My chest tightens with fear when I think of all the damage that could be done by him in the next four years. But, I also have God's promise that "...there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God." My God, good and true, is and always will be in control. I have nothing to fear.
Looking back at history, which we all know repeats itself, maybe God placed Obama as president to bring His believed children to their knees. Isn't that where we should be anyway?

Decisions made...

2009-01-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

I can think of fewer times in my life when I have been more insecure than I have been as a mom. Any mom who tells you that she is 100% confident of every decision she makes for her child is well...a liar. Always seeking advice, or looking for affirmation, it is always a relief to have someone look you in the eyes and say, "You are a great mom, you absolutely made the right decision." Everyday you are bombarded with new decisions to make. Sometimes they are easy, "No, you can't have a bazooka for your birthday." Sometimes, they are hard. Sometimes, we don't realize that our answer could change their lives forever, and sometimes, we make an easy answer way too difficult.
I believe that I fell into the later category when presented with the idea of putting Ocean into ski lessons. Honestly, I have second-guessed every decision I have ever made for him. And, as he gets older, I find I am down on my knees even more, seeking God's wisdom for our little boy.
His first lesson was yesterday. For the entire week prior, as the day approached, I found myself getting more and more nervous. Were we pushing him too far, would this traumatize him into never skiing again, was he strong enough, would he get hurt, what if he needed me and I wasn't there, were his instructors properly trained to work with a child like Ocean,...and the questions went on and on.
A few days before the class, I decided, at the last minute, to take a pottery class. There are no coincidences with God, so by His guidance, the girl next to me was a skiing instructor at Sunshine, and not just any instructor, she was going to be Ocean's!! She and her boyfriend ran the adaptive program at the hill. She was able to answer lots of my questions, and listened patiently while I talked through many of my fears.
I did feel better, but when I woke up yesterday morning, my stomach felt like it did the morning of my first piano recital.
It was a beautiful day, a gift from my great God. We had to take a shuttle from the parking lot to the hill, and I think every person on that bus had to smile at me announcing to everyone that it was Ocean's first ski lesson. The two snowboarders who were blessed enough to ride up the gondola with us just smiled at Ocean while I told them all about his first day. I was feeling good about this whole idea. We made it to the meeting place, and I was thrilled to see Vic, his instructor. She informed me that one of the other students was ill, so Ocean would have two instructors, wow, this was great! She also told me that it would be best if I stayed in the lodge, so that I wouldn't be a distraction. ok, no problem. But, as I watched Ocean walk away with those two girls, I felt panicky again.
I found a nice spot on the deck, conveniently overlooking the magic carpet area where Ocean was. I was still quite a distance away. My panicky feelings got worse, and tears started to roll down my cheeks. This was too much for him, he wasn't ready for this. I gripped the log railings and oblivious to all of the happy people around me, I begged God to empower my little boy.
When I saw one of his instructors begin to snap on his skis, it was all I could do to keep myself from running hysterically down the hill screaming, "he's not ready!" Instead, I decided the skier sitting next to me, quietly enjoying his lunch, needed to know about my son's first ski lesson. He patiently followed my finger while I pointed out the little boy in blue. "He is cute, he is doing great, " he says.
Really!? I released my grip on the railing and realized, yeah, he was doing great.
I was all smiles for the next hour as I watch Ocean slide down that little slope on his skis. He did great, and he was super cute. I watched him throw his arms in the air, and I could hear him laughing. That was all the confirmation I needed that I had indeed made the right decision.

Thou art there.

2009-01-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

I managed to get out for a walk today. As I was putting, oh around a thousand, layers on the kids to keep them warm in the Canadian wind, I made a commitment to spend some time praying out loud. I have found "confessing with my mouth" to be vital in the quantity and the quality of my prayer life. When I pray quietly, my thoughts tend to wander and I realize that I am no longer praying. I also know that Satan, my greatest enemy, cannot read my thoughts. I find great pleasure in having him hear me as I praise my God, confess my sin, ask for His guidance, and build a genuine relationship with the Great I Am.
The kids settled in, and I began my prayer, out loud. We had walked for about 20 minutes or so, and Meadow finally interrupted me.
"Mom, who are you talking to?"
Good question, sweetie.
"I am talking to God."
"Where is God, I don't see Him."
"He is here."
"How do you know?"
"Because He has promised me that He will never leave us."
"Why can't I see Him?"
"Sometimes I can't see Him either, baby, sometimes I can't even feel Him, but He is there."
"Is He with daddy, too?"
"Yes"
"How can He be with daddy and us?"
"Because He is God."
"I think that I like God."
"Me too, baby, me too."
A few minutes passed, and then Meadow said, "You can talk to God again if you want, mommy"
"Ok, I think that I will."

Psalm 139:7-10 "Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me."

Happy 2009!

2009-01-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that another year has gone by. The fact that I just said that is a sign that I am getting old. Nevertheless, ready or not, it is 2009. I look back on the past year, the lessons learned, the memories made, the tears shed, the laughter, the hurt, the sacrifices, and the growth, and I can only say one thing, my Lord has never left my side.
I have so many wonderful blessings to be thankful for. Ocean officially started school. He is attending private programing for the morning and then is integrated with the kindergarten class for the afternoon. He loves it. He rides his own bus to and from school, and I think that is his favorite part of the day. He is going to try skiing this winter. There is a wonderful program for special needs children, and we believe that it will be a great strengthening time for him.
Meadow is a little bothered that she can't go to school too. We go to a preschool library once a week, and to a playroom where she can paint and play with other kids. She is satisfied, for now. She is learning her letters and numbers, and insists that Mom teach her how to play the piano. She is already planning her 4th birthday party, which is still 6 months away, oh boy. :) She went ice skating for the first time over the holidays, and now talks about going all the time. She keeps us going.
Our little Forest is growing like a weed. I still see myself coming home from the hospital wondering how in the world am I going to take care of three kids. He is going to be two in a few months, and is beginning to show all of the frustration of a child of his age. We call him "Forest the Destroyer", because he leaves a path of chaos behind him, wherever he goes. He seems to know that his smile will get him out of all sorts of trouble. He loves playing with his brother and sister, and has developed a pretty fast getaway when he knows that he has pushed them too far.
Blue is still working in the construction trade. We also are were thankful to complete another successful summer with the Ice Cream Bus. We are praying about selling the bus, as Blue would like to get a little more serious about working in the camping ministry.
Deb is content to stay at home with the kids. There are so many things I would like to improve in my life. I am a goal setter, and I love the feeling of a crossing a goal off of the list. As many of you know, being a stay-at-home mom is sometimes not an immediately rewarding job. But, when God's calling is that strong in your life, there can be no greater joy than that of serving Him by serving your family.
Which brings me to my verse for 2009:
"Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet."
John 13:13,14
I don't know what God has for me and my family in 2009. I pray that as we meet each situation, we will be reminded of what Christ did for us, and that His love and light will be lived out in us, the Falconers.

He IS coming....

2008-12-06T18:15:00.000-08:00

The other night, our sleepy little hamlet received about eight inches of snow. We woke up to a beautiful, wintry wonderland. Blue took Meadow and Forest to town, so me and my big O (that is our nickname for Ocean), went for a walk. I was walking down a gravel road, and was a little, shall we say 'spaced out'. I had a lot on my mind. Ok, anyway, I glanced up and see a large, yellow, front-loader headed straight towards us. I immediately grew animated, because Ocean loves big machinery. I was excitedly talking and pointing when I see the drivers eyes grow wide and the back-end of the overwhelmingly large machine start to slide. It was then that I noticed a car had come up behind me and the danger became apparent. I jumped backwards into the ditch, pulling the Chariot with Ocean in it. Of course, the whole incident only lasted a couple of seconds, but my heart was beating fast as I watched the loader come to a stop where we had been standing and the little car, apparently none the worse, whip around and off down the road.
As we began our walk back home, my thoughts wandered to the coming Christmas season and the celebration of Christ's birth. Over two thousand years ago, God came to earth as a humble servant to save man from his sin. I thought of that loader sliding toward us, and realized that Christ's return to earth is just as imminent. This time He will not be coming as a humble servant, but as a conquering King. Anyone who has not accepted and believed on Him as Jesus Christ, the Son of God, will pay a very high price when He returns.
I was caught off guard and was not completely prepared for that front-loader but I am ready for Christ's second return, and I want to tell as many people as I can of the imminent return of my Lord.

just praising the Lord

2008-12-01T15:08:00.000-08:00

About two months ago, a good friend of mine invited me to an IHOP convention. Now, I know you are thinking what I was thinking, and that is, "about time we had a convention to celebrate pancakes!" Well, the convention was this past weekend, and when she called to remind me, she informed me that the acronym was actually "International House of Prayer" not "International House of Pancakes". Ok, I agreed to go.
I arrived a few minutes late, and the evening had already started, so my friend and I slipped into the back row. I looked around, and was immediately uncomfortable. There was a band up front, leading the crowd in some praise songs. I didn't recognize any of them, and the music was fairly loud and a little...shall we say crazy, for my tastes. Many people were swaying, arms raised, or even jumping up and down. I was about ready to lean over and whisper to my friend that I wasn't really comfortable, when I felt God's spirit telling me to close my eyes. Ok.
His next words to me were, "Worship Me." Ok.
He reminded me of what I had read that morning in Psalms 56:12,13 "I will render thank offerings to Thee. For Thou has delivered my soul from death, Indeed my feet from stumbling, So that I may walk before God In the light of the living."
He reminded me of what I had read in Isaiah 12:1
"I will give thanks to Thee, O Lord, For although Thou wast angry with me, Thine anger is turned away..."
and verse 4 and 5,
"...Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name. Make known His deeds among the peoples; Make them remember that His name is exalted. Praise the Lord in song, for He has done excellent things; Let this be known throughout the earth."
I raised my arms to the One who is so worthy of my praise. I gave Him clap offerings. For over 2 hours, I praised God. I thanked Him for "delivering my soul from death", for turning His anger away, and for His excellent deeds. Let me tell you, two hours wasn't enough.
When we finally sat down, a speaker from IHOP told us about a small church in Kansas City. This church felt convicted nine years ago to spend more time in personal communion with God. So, for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the last nine years, this church has had a room that is committed to praise and prayer. WOW! Of course, they work in shifts, but one shift a week would be life-altering, and for NINE YEARS!!
I think back on how fast that two hours went. I was created to worship. He desires my worship. He is so worthy of my worship. This week, I am going to try to just keep praising my Lord.

On a more serious note...

2008-11-24T16:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I thought I would put up a few pictures of our fam in recent times. Meadow was a princess for Halloween, and she decided that she should be a princess year round. Her friend, Molly, was a princess as well. Ocean was Elmo. He was not excited at all until he figured out that if he just held out his bag and smiled, and he would receive some candy. After that, he wouldn't take off the costume. Blue, well, he was just Blue, hee hee! And, Forest was only interested in the chocolate.
Let's see, the other pictures are from Ocean's bowling birthday party, which was a total riot. I think the adults had as much fun as the kids, which is saying alot for a birthday party, if I can be honest.
Anyway, God is so good, and we are so thankful for all of His blessings.

The tongue...

2008-11-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I met with a couple of women here on my street. We usually meet once a week for a Bible study. Well, we had concluded the study last week, and were just meeting for accountability on finishing that last week of homework. That, and I believe it is a highlight for all of us to get together, chat, drink coffee, and the best part...Dave, the husband of one of the women, had offered to watch the kids so that we could devote our attention to the study. He is truly a servant.
So, we got a little sidetracked and started discussing a present social issue. I admit that I had not researched the subject, nor did I really have an opinion. But, I do so enjoy a good debate every once in awhile, and it wasn't long before the topic became quite spirited.
About the time I was really starting to feel the heat in the room, one of the women burst into tears. I immediately froze, my arm in the air, the spark still in my eye, and my lips forming the words for my next point. I knew things were getting a little heated, but I had no idea that the topic was personal.
God then gently whispered James 3:2 in my ear, "For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man and able also to bridle the whole body." I had, unconsciously, offended my dear friend. The other two women immediately jumped up, apologizing, hugging, and making a definite attempt to make things right. I just sat there.
I spent the entire afternoon with this nagging feeling in my gut that I should not have left things the way they were. Even though I did not feel as if I had said anything that was wrong, there was still that little voice. To be honest, I still felt that I was right. (Don't I always?) This time He whispered James 3:5 "Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth." I finished verse 6 for Him, "And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity, so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell."
It truly does not matter if I was right. God doesn't even care if she was right and I was wrong. Our tongue, my tongue, can destroy the whole body of Christ.
I walked over to the phone, picked it up, dialed her number, and told her that I was sorry if my words had hurt her in any way. She responded in grace and we reconciled.
God is so good. His wisdom is "pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, FULL of mercey and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace."

Don't forget to be grateful

2008-11-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

"When gratitude has died on the altar of a man's heart, that man is nigh near hopeless." Dr. Bob Jones Sr.
This last week, my husband had Wednesday off from his job. He had worked really late the night before, so I was prepared for him to sleep in. When he sat straight up in bed and announced that he was going to install the kitchen floor, I leaned over and pinched my other arm. Yes, I was awake, and yes, it was still dark outside. I was speechless. As he jumped out of bed (literally), I found myself fumbling for a sweater and mumbling something about how we should wait. Was I crazy?! Wait for what?! The flooring had been stacked in our basement for at least two years, what did we need to wait for? He couldn't be serious. Once he drank that first cup of coffee, he would realize that his hypermotivation was just a carry-over from whatever dream he had been having.
But, wait... what was this?....no coffee?! He was straight out the door to the garage and I heard his air compressor and table saw roar to life. I was still sitting on the edge of the bed trying to figure out what was going on. I did know one thing, I was not skipping the coffee, no way, no how.
When he burst back through the door, the first piece of flooring in hand, I finally came to the realization that he was very serious.
My baby is amazing. He did it. By the end of the second day, I had a brand-new, beautiful cork kitchen floor.
Something he said at the end of the project caught my attention. I was praising him, going on and on about what a wonderful man he is, etc. etc., and he looked at me and said, "I should be in your good book for at least a year." My initial response was to "kind of" snort and mumble under my breath, but then I stopped to think.
My husband is good and he does good things for me because he loves me. My heavenly Father loves me so much the more and He does good things. How easily I forget!!
It has only been a week, and when I feel my old self rising up inside to say something that is unkind or usually a bit sarcastic, I remind myself that he has another 51 weeks in the "good book". No, seriously, I remind myself of what Christ did for me, He died on the cross so that I could have eternity with Him. Everyday, He fills my life with good things, and I don't ever want to forget to be grateful.

Run Aground

2008-11-03T18:29:00.000-08:00

I read an amazing story today. Every story in God's Word is amazing, but I am always blown away by how God brings the right story at the right time.
I believe I have mentioned the little situation that my husband and I got ourselves into this past year. We purchased a condo with plans to do an extensive reno, then put it back on the market for a significant profit. It seemed like a good idea at the time, although we did receive cousel from several people that maybe we should wait.
Well, there were the usual setbacks, it cost more and took longer than usual, but the biggest setback came in the early summer. We had had the unit on the market for 3 months, and an indeterminable fire destroyed the entire top floor of our building, our entire unit. Insurance will cover the cost of rebuilding, but we must cover the mortgage and condo fees until the unit sells. We were unprepared to do that, and the extra burden on our finances has at times been excruciating. We have been humbled by the grace and kindness of good friends and neighbors, and the lessons that God has patiently taught me have been worth more than a thousand condos. But, I have also been battling a heavy cloak of shame that we got ourselves into this situation in the first place and that I am so tired, I don't know if I can make it to the end of this.
Then, I read this story. It is from Acts 27. Paul is about to embark on a ship. He perceives that there will be great tragedy and tries to warn the captain. The captain ignores his advice and proceeds with his plans. This was all suddenly sounding very familiar to me. Paul was partially correct when they did sail into a huge storm. Yes, we are right in the middle of it. My breath was taken away when I read verse 26. God promised to deliver them, but first they "must run aground". Difficulty does not always mean disaster. Sometimes, delivery may be painful. Heavy winds and raging seas don't always mean you're on the wrong course. And, do you know what else is amazing? God always has a destination in mind when He delivers. The ship ran aground on the island of Malta, a place of kindness, warmth and welcome. The storm may be raging, and we may even have to toss a few things overboard to keep from sinking, but, if we believe, God provides deliverance even in the midst of "Plan B".
I was and am overwhelmed with gratitude that during the times when we may have overlooked sound advice and headed straight into a storm, it is still possible to run aground into God's will if we listen and believe.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Preparing for the future

2008-09-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

I took time to read this summer. A person can make time for anything that they truly want to do. I wanted to read. Now, this time to read may not have come in the form of relaxing on the sofa, with a hot latte at my side, my feet propped up, soft music in the background, and an otherwise silent background. (sounds nice,eh?) But, like I said, you can make time if you really want it. So, as I was preparing dinner, or watching the kids take a bath, I even tried reading while I was mowing the lawn. (Didn't work so well) But, usually, my reading took place late at night, or early in the morning. What did I read? I read the entire "Left Behind" series.
I realize that I am about 8 years late on my enthusiasm. When the series first came out, I was not patient enough to wait for the next book to come, and they were so popular that they were nearly impossible to find at the library. But, enough of my excuses on why I had not read them yet.
They were a simple read, thus the reason I was able to read so fast. I enjoyed getting to know the characters. And, I enjoyed the build-up to the final "Glorious Appearing". But, more than that, I was absolutely fascinated with the events that are going to take place. It read like a fiction story, and many of the judgments that God has planned are so mind-blowing that the human mind has a hard time comprehending them. But, they are truth! I was challenged about my relaxed attitude towards witnessing. If I really believe that Christ is coming any second for His own, wouldn't I be doing everything I could to persuade as many as my family members, neighbors and friends that HE IS COMING!!!!?????
I was also sobered by the fact that even after so many of these devastating judgments, people are still going to deny God. That God, in all of His overwhelming love and grace, is just and righteous, and He will win. That culminating battle of the ages will be fought, and will be won by the one who is TRUE and RIGHTEOUS. I had goosebumps.
And, it seems to me, that here on earth right now, we are comfortable. We are blinded. We spend more time planning our weekend, or our next vacation, or our next house, or our next car, or our retirement, than we spend planning the imminent return of our Saviour. I am guilty!
"...For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."

a good CAUSE...

2008-09-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

So, I wrote about my humbling hike up Cascade Mt. A week after that wonderful hike, I was registered to run in a race. When I signed up for the race, I thought it was a great idea. Three days before the race, when I could still barely walk as a result of the hike, no longer a great idea. Nevertheless, I was committed.
Twenty-five years ago, a couple in our church saw the need for Christians to be participating in meeting the needs of poor people world-wide. They founded an organization called CAUSE, Christian Assistance for Underdeveloped Socities Everywhere. CAUSE is located in Canmore. Their biggest fundraiser every year is to organize a race. Every penny raised in this race is matched three to one by the government and is used directly for the overseas projects. This year, their focus has been Sierre Leonne. When I went online to register for the race, I was given the option to replace my race fee with a year-long commitment to sponsor a little child to go to school. I didn't have to pray long to realize that this is what God wanted me to do.
I received the information on our little girl the day before the race. Her name is Bensa. She will be able to go to first grade this year. She is beautiful. As I ran my race, I kept picturing her dark eyes and her big grin. Every step I ran, even though a little painful, I ran for her.
We are not a wealthy family, by any means, but we have a house, and clothes, and food. My children have health care and can go to school. We are so wealthy. It was necessary for me to look outside of my little bubble and see the bigger picture, and I am so glad that I did.
"...he that hath mercy on the poor, happy is he."

Thou wilt deal bountifully with me...

2008-09-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated today. I am frustrated with the world's scale and how I measure up on it. Today, I measure very low. I desperately needed someone to speak truth to me today, that on God's scale, I always measure 100%, because of what His Son has done for me. I went to the direct source of truth, God's Word, and this is what I read:
I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord; I make supplication with my voice to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare my trouble before Him.
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Thou didst know my path. In the way where I walk They have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see; For there is no one who regards me; There is no escape for me; No one cares for my soul.
I cried out to Thee, O Lord; I said, "Thou are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living. Give heed to my cry, For I am brought very low; Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me. Bring my soul out of prison, SO that I may give thanks to Thy name; The righteous will surround me, For Thou will deal bountifully with me."

Humility is a beautiful thing

2008-09-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

Well, this last weekend, I had the bright idea to get together with some ladies in our church and do a hike. There is a particular mountain that I have wanted to hike for awhile. Cascade. It is a beautiful summit, 2998 meters, towering above the town of Banff. It was a worthy goal, and I was so excited.
Being as my husband and I are in the throes of toddler-hood, we have been unable to hike together for quite some time. He gallantly offered to spend the day with our three children, and all that was left was for me to find a partner. I was happy to find not one, but two women in our church who were also interested in climbing Cascade. We set the date and time.
The night before, I began to get a little nervous. I considered myself to be in reasonably good shape, but it had been a busy summer, and I had not been out as often as I would have liked. I then considered my partners. Caroline is a single, energetic woman. She works outside all day doing landscaping, and at night, for exercise, she rides her bike for 40 km. She hikes nearly every weekend. Sure, we seem to be on the same level. (yeah, right) Esther, a mother of six, the youngest is twelve, is a bit of a health nut. She is in shape and loves to hike. Ok, no problem.
I desperately wanted to back out.
However, I had youth on my side, right?
Well, about an hour into this hike, I realized I was in trouble. Their pace was akin to my light jog. I could keep this pace up for, oh, maybe 5 more minutes. However, two hours later, the smile wiped off my face, I realized it was going to take every ounce of strength within me to get to the top of this mountain. These girls were what I would call, "hard-core", no stopping for water, food, they didn't even have to go pee! Yes, they would stop and wait for me, and by the time I caught up, they would start again. I started singing praise songs, praying, making up to-do lists, anything that would take my mind off what I was doing to my body.
We reaching the top in about four hours, and as I crested the final ridge, the view took my breath away (what was left of it). I personally knew the God who had created all of this. I wanted to fall down on my knees and worship Him, and not just because I had made it to the top, but because He loves me.
"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to do day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"
He has counted the hairs on my head, He keeps my tears in a bottle, and He knows my needs even before I do.
I sat on the top of Cascade and thanked Him. I thanked Him for my salvation, my health, my family, and my church. I thanked Him for His amazing creation, that cries out in worship to Him. And....I prayed for the strength to get back down.
It was a struggle to keep up with Caroline and Esther on the descent. They were kind and patient, and I just couldn't help thinking that humility is a beautiful thing.

Be ready...

2008-09-03T17:26:00.000-07:00

My husband and I own an ice cream business. This may sound silly, but we have a old school bus, and we sell ice cream out of it. We park it on an empty lot in Canmore, and spend a few months of every year wearing flip-flops, selling ice cream, and talking to a lot of people.
Also on our lot is the business of a dear friend of ours, Tony. He lives in Indonesia for the better part of every year, and comes to Canmore in the summer to sell clothing, jewelry and art. We enjoy seeing him every summer.
He has a son, Dante. He is eight years old. This summer, Dante was able to participate in a Christian soccer camp, and a vacation Bible school, both run by our pastor here in Exshaw. A few weeks ago, Tony, Dante and I were sitting on a picnic table on our lot. Tony was attempting to tell me about an article he read about the origin of man. I was distracted, watching the bus, but nodding my head every once in awhile. Suddenly, I realized that Dante was looking right at me. I turned and looked at him. "That's not true, is it Deb?" I stared at him for a moment, before I realized that he was talking about the article that his dad was summarizing for me.
"No, Dante, it is not", I said.
"We know where man came from, don't we, Deb?"
"Yes, Dante, we do."
"We know that God created man, and that because we are sinners, He had to send His son to die for us, and all we have to do is believe and we can live with Him forever. Right, Deb?"
He bounced his ball a couple of times and then got up and walked away.
I sat in stunned silence for a few moments, then looked at Tony and said, "Yes, that is truth."
I wonder how many opportunities to share the most incredible news of God's love pass me by because I am distracted by the temporary things of this life?
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts; and be READY ALWAYS to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:"

The little things...

2008-08-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

The other day, I asked my daughter what she was thankful for. She said, "The little things, mom." I smiled to myself and realized that as much as I would like to take the credit for teaching her that, I really believe that it was her brother, Ocean.
We have had a crazy summer, as I am sure everyone has. I have to keep looking at the calendar to remind myself that it is almost the end of August.
We have been blessed to have visits from lots of family this summer. Our two nieces from Saskatoon were here for the month of July, and our nephew from Idaho was here with my parents at the end of July. My kids were so excited to see their cousins.
One thing that becomes obvious in the midst of lots of people is that my son, Ocean, has a tendancy to wander off on his own. Often I would hear a slightly panicked voice, "where's Ocean?" Sometimes, it was my own voice. There comes that moment when you casually glance around and realize that you have no idea where your child is. Thankfully, someone always found him. He would be on the edge of the woods, watching an ant crawl up a tree trunk, or observing the trickle of water down some rocks, or even laying on his back in the grass, listening to the wind in the leaves.
This last spring, we had Ocean tested for autism. We didn't really believe that he had it, but the series of tests, and the advice from his school persuaded us to at least try. He had a lengthy interview with a developmental psychiatrist, I filled out pages and pages of questions, and after several phone calls, we had an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. The doctor was very kind and patient. He actually reminded me of my dad, so maybe he seemed familiar to Ocean too, because he warmed right up to the doctor. After two hours of testing, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Your son does not have autism." I was silent as all of the old, familiar feelings washed over me. I have lost track of the doctors who have avoided our eyes and said, "wow, this is very interesting...nothing I have seen before... somewhat of a mystery...we'll keep in touch...".
This doctor proceeded to tell me that the term "global delay" that had been given to Ocean was very misleading. He said that term gives the impression that Ocean will eventually catch up, and he believes that Ocean will not. He has a 50 percent delay that will most likely always be there. It will be more obvious at different stages of Ocean's life. When he was 2, acting like a 1 year old, it wasn't as obvious. Now, being 5, with the developmental age of a 2 and 1/2 year old, it is more noticable. I found myself saying, "Why?" out loud. He looked me in the eyes again, and said, "Mrs. Falconer, your son has a degree of mental retardation." No one really uses those words anymore, but I appreciated his honesty so much that all I could do was smile. He proceeded to tell me that to teach Ocean would take a lot of time and effort on our part and that he needed as much support at school and at home as possible.
The little things... Ocean using the potty or saying a new word. We are so thankful for every moment we have with that little boy. Life is full of challenges. But, my God has promised that He will not give me more than I can handle, and He will always give me the grace to glorify Him.

God's Mighty Hand...

2008-07-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

Life is busy. It is amazing how quickly and how easy it is to get self-absorbed in my own life. I received a call from a friend yesterday. I hadn't talked to her in about three months. I was so glad to hear from her and immediately started telling her all about my crazy life. Finally, there was a bit of a lull in the conversation, and I hear her say, "Did you hear our news?" "No," I said, "I knew that you bought a new house...."
"Gabriella has cancer," she whispered. I thought my heart stopped. Gabriella is their 8 month old little girl, the youngest of three girls. She is beautiful, and vibrant. She had cancer in her eye. Her eye was removed, and a large tumor behind her eye was removed as well. She is doing well now, but the last three months for my sweet friend had been overwhelming, scary and life-altering. God's mighty hand works in the lives of the unbelieving, as well as the believing.
I was disgusted with myself. There are people out there that are hurting, and I have the best news of all. I can tell them about a peace that passeth all understanding. I can tell them about a love that will survive any trial. And, I am sitting here, becoming anxious over a perishable (obviously) thing, our condo.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

My God is a God of miracles....

2008-06-25T15:24:00.000-07:00

I serve an amazing God. I serve the one, the only true God. My God spoke and the earth was created out of nothing. I serve a God who parted a sea for His people to cross on dry land. I believe in a God who incinerated a sacrifice with fire from heaven. My God healed the lame, made the blind to see, and caused the dead to rise again. My God is a God of miracles.
My God is the same, yesterday, today and forever.
For anyone who says that God does not perform miracles of that kind today, that is a bunch of hogwash, as my mom used to say. You see, I am asking God for a miracle, because our condo that we just spent a year renovating, has burned to the ground.

Dreams really do come true...

2008-06-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

We are in debt. Yes, terrible, gut wrenching, stay up at night worrying, kind of debt. Of course, it is of our own doing, as many of the stresses of this life are. So, even when I am not thinking about it, I am thinking about it. Does that make sense?
The other night, I fell into a fitful sleep, and had a wonderful dream. I dreamed that someone, completely anonymous, paid off our entire debt. There was only left a sealed envelope. When I opened the envelope, I found a small card, and inside it were these words, "you owed a debt you could not pay, you desperately needed someone to kindly say, 'your debt is paid, I paid it all, now in Me you can stand tall.' Now, it is true, be filled with joy completely through. Find in Me your all in all."
I awoke with a start, and, to be honest was a little disappointed that it had all been just a dream. Then, I heard my Savior's sweet voice reminding me, 'Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now, I see.'
Rejoice, my debt has been paid, Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow!!

Thankful

2008-06-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

I have so much to be thankful for. This weekend, my husband and I celebrated our ten year anniversary. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man for a husband.
We also celebrated Father's Day. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful dad.
The sun peeped out for the first time in a week, and I am so thankful to be able to go outside without having to make a dash for a building or a vehicle.
But, I am most thankful for the abundant, forgiving love of God.
I had to attend a food-safety course this last week. I brought a girl with me who has worked at our bus since the first summer. She is young, 19 years old, comes from a broken home, and we have somewhat felt responsible for her. I found out a few weeks ago that she was pregnant. So, as we drove to Banff for this course, I waited for her to spill the news. She never did. After the course, as we drove back, I could wait no longer. "So...do you have some news to share with me?" She burst into tears. I looked at her for a few seconds, and the terrible realization dawned on me..."Yes, Deb, I am too young to have a baby." I felt as if the van was closing in on me, and I couldn't breathe. I felt ill, and I couldn't open my mouth to say anything. We were both crying, and I looked at her, and said,"God loves you, He loves you so much. No matter what you have done, or will do, God loves you."
I realized that although her baby is gone, it is not too late for her. We talked for awhile, and then gradually changed the subject. But, I will not let this go. I believe that God is going to save her. He wants nothing more than to shower her with His unconditional love, and for that I am so grateful.
"Only fear the Lord, and serve Him in truth, for consider what great things He has done for you."

Mountain biking mama!

2008-06-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

A couple other families, and us, have started a babysitting co-op here in Exshaw. I can't really speak for anyone else, but I am having a great time. Twice a month, if all goes as planned, my husband and I get to spend some time together. The first couple of dates were almost a little awkward. We had to get used to not having constant little interruptions, and I had to pretend that I had talked to another adult at some point in the last twenty-four hours. But, we adjusted quickly, and now make every attempt to utilize that precious time wisely.
Well, this last weekend, I thought that I would suggest an activity that would really make my husband happy. Isn't that thoughtful of me? So, the activity that he enjoys the most lately is mountain biking. ok, no problem, I haven't been in a few years, but it will all come back to me, right?
I told him that he could pick the trail and that we would have a great time. I found out later that he asked his friend where he would take his wife if she hadn't been for awhile, and he said, "the road". That sound nice.
I became a little nervous when he showed up with a friend's bike that I could borrow. A beefy, burly, heavy-duty, downhill bike was put in the back of the truck next to Blue's and we were off. What kind of trail must this be to require a bike like that?
Everything was going really well, until we started going uphill, about 2 minutes into the ride. If I had a nickel for how many times I heard Blue say, "This hill is a bit of a grunt, but I think this is the last one," I would be a very wealthy woman. But, once we started going down, I would have given anything to be going up again. I would glance ahead to see Blue, in a blur, cruising around corners, over rocks and roots, launching off of jumps, and all I could think was, "ok, that doesn't look that difficult." hee hee!
Coming around one particular corner, I had to maneuver the bike in between two trees. "Keep your eyes on the trail, not the trees," I told myself. The next thing I remember was laying on my back, stareing up at the sky. That didn't hurt too bad, now, if I could just get up......
I did survive the ride, and managed to have a wonderful time. As I lay in bed that night, groaning every time I moved, I thought about my walk with the Lord. I had realized that if I wanted to classify myself as a "mountain biker", I had to go more often than once every two years. If I went biking more often, it would not have been so difficult.
If I want to classify myself as a Christian, I must abide in the vine, Jesus Christ. If I want to bear fruit, (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance) as a Christian, I must abide in the vine,Jesus Christ. If I don't abide in the vine, I WILL fulfill the lusts of the flesh, there is no doubt about it. I abide in the vine by abiding in His Word.
Abiding, just like biking, takes practice. Abiding, just like biking, takes discipline. Abiding, just like biking, takes deliberate effort. Abiding, just like biking, will not happen by accident.
Jesus said, "Abide in me, and I in you."

Gift

2008-06-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

You are the sunshine after the rain
The cozy light at the end of a long day.
You can always bring a smile to my face,
Your infectious grin makes me slow from my fast pace.

You represent so much of what is good in this life,
A gift from above sent to soothe pain and strife.
I did not think my heart could stretch any more,
Yet, you have caused abundant love from my heart to pour.

Unknowingly, our family was incomplete before you came,
And, now you are here, we will never be the same.
Thank you, Father, for with unending grace we have been treated.
You gave us the missing piece that we needed.

Here I am to worship....

2008-06-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Yesterday, a neighbor dropped off a little bottle with some aspirin for our dog. My little boy's bus was pulling up about the same time. I set the bottle in our entryway, and walked out to the street to meet my son.
I forgot all about that little bottle of aspirin,.....until 11:00 p.m. as I was folding one of my daughters little blankets, that bottle fell out onto the ground.
I can't describe the feeling, the world screeching to a halt, the pounding in my head. I never have aspirin in the house, I rarely give my children medicine of any kind, and now this?
I am a terrible mother, no other mother would ever have forgotten a bottle of pills that was within the reach of her child. I would never be able to forgive myself if anything happened to my little girl. God is bigger than those thoughts...
I awoke her from her sleep, and took her into the ER. It is about a fifteen minute drive. The entire drive, I spoke truth aloud to myself. God is here. God loves you. God loves Meadow. God knows the plan that He has for you, good and not evil. God will give grace in any situation. God is grace. God is love. I trust you, God, I trust you. My near hysteria was calmed by the voice who calmed the stormy seas. God carried my daughter and I into the emergency room. God held my hand while the lab technician drew blood. And, God rejoiced with me when the doctor told us that she was ok, and could go home.
"Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God.
You are altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me."

Suffer the little children to come to me.....

2008-05-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

We just recently had a dear one make a comment concerning the behavior of kids in church. Now, I realize that this may be a biblical doctrine in many fellowships, so I do not wish to offend. I also agree that kids should be taught discipline and self-control. When one sees a family with children, especially small children, sitting quietly, hands folded, through an entire service, it is truly an impressive sight.
However, all opinions aside, let us see what Jesus says,
"Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. But, Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Gooey

2008-05-27T18:14:00.001-07:00

I must write about Gooey. He is a precious little eight month old boy. He has the most beautiful smile. He is sweet and good-natured. Even though we have only known him for a short time, God knew him before he was even thought of. God loved him before he was even conceived. God knew, before the foundations of the world, that "Gooey" Gus David Genn would be born with a heart defect. God planned, before any of us held Gooey in our arms, that he would have open heart surgery today. Surgery on a heart the size of a golf ball? Amazing, who can imagine. God can. Who can guide the hands of those highly trained surgeons? God can. Who can give peace and rest to anxious parents and loved ones? Only God can. Who can heal this beautiful little boy and cause him to grow into a man who loves and serves the Lord. God can and He will.

He is the Lord...

2008-05-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

Well, that whopper of a day, and that whopper of a week is turning into a whopper of a month!
We have had 7 full days of rain. I was starting to think that I knew exactly what Noah felt like. The relentless pattering on our roof finally caused a leak to spring, in the middle of the night, directly over our wonderful lab's bed. And I thought she kept waking me up because she had to go to the bathroom.
Before the seven days of rain, we made a trip seven hours east to Saskatoon, where Blue's parents live. We had not driven Blue's big diesel truck for awhile, due to insane diesel prices, so we were unknowing to a serious problem lurking beneath the hood. To make a very long and gory "car trouble" story short, we stayed a few days longer that planned in an attempt to temporary fix the problem so that we could return home. We almost made it. About thirty minutes from our house, the good attempt failed. We sat on the side of the road, and the inside of our cab was completely silent. By the way, that was amazing. The silence, I mean. We were discouraged, beat down, wondering what in the whole, wide world God was trying to teach us, and there was nothing to say.
As Blue walked across the street to phone a tow truck, I looked at his slumped shoulders, and wondered how much more that wonderful man could take. I remembered Samuel telling Eli that his two sons were going to die because of their disobedience, and Eli said, "It is the Lord, let Him do what seems good to Him."
Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!! Bring it on!!! No matter what happens, IT IS THE LORD, and He is good, and I WILL praise HIM!!!

yet I will rejoice...

2008-05-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

I had a whopper of a day, actually a whopper of a week. It is so difficult to compare our lives to the trials of others. Being the self-absorbed human that I am, it is not possible that anyone's life could be as tough as mine. I am listening to someone tell me of their awful experiences, and I feel that familiar thought creeping in, "you have no idea..."
I am presently doing a Bible study on the fruits of the Spirit. Of course, God brings all things into our lives for a purpose, but is it truely necessary to be tested in every area in the course of one day?
I once heard the metaphor that we are like tea bags and when placed in hot water, what is truely in our hearts will come out. There is so much truth to that statement. I am often chagrined to see that it is not the big things that make me stumble, but often a little incident will cause me to stumble and disappoint my Lord.
Well, the hot water was boiling this week. I was proud to see that I was leisurely doing the back stroke smoothly through, and then a little drop lands on my cheek and I lost all self-control. As the shame and guilt settled in, I lost even more, if that was possible. My husband knelt by the boiling water and held out his hand in grace. I was undeserved, which is what made it grace, and in humility I accepted his hand and allowed him to pull me out. I saw Jesus in him. When you see Jesus in another person, it is truly a beautiful thing.
The following day, I looked back on the situation to try to see where I went wrong. I went over the period of events that caused me to "lose it", and even though I felt that I was justified, I realized I took a wrong turn when I believed that I desperately needed someone to talk to and tell them my sad story. I ignored my Lord when He said "Cast your cares upon me." I opened His Word, His love letter to me, and I found a familiar verse that He has so often spoken to me in the last few months

"Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:
YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places."

When casting my cares upon Him, the One who can truly say, "you have no idea.." never says that. Instead He lovingly says "I will work all things together for good, and nothing will separate you from My love."

I WILL REJOICE!!!

our little sunshine

2008-05-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

You love shoes, dresses and the color, pink,
You must have been adopted, I often think.
You can be sunshine or rain in the course of a minute
Upon hearing a familiar song, you will yell, "mommy, sing it!"

You love to color, paint, and create,
Passionate, determined and helpful are your traits,
I love your laugh, the way you sing, and slip your hand in mine.
I love the way you make your mommy walk the line.

When you pray to Jesus, my heart leaps,
Close to Him, I hope you'll always keep,
For just like the song you sing at night,
Jesus loves you, and will never let you out of His sight.

Our litte boy

2008-05-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

Balls and ballons, planes and trains,
these are a few of his favorite things,
To be in the water, or to be outdoors,
These are the things that make his heart soar.

That all humans are born as sinners
I know to be true
But, if there were a contest for earthly angels,
He would surely be among the winners.
For his curly blond hair and his eyes so blue,
Must surely be heaven-sent, my heart tells.

His spirit is gentle and kind at best
His smile could melt the hardest heart.
Yet, life so far, for him has been a test,
By worldly measures, he is not smart.

But, we do not weigh him on an earthly scale,
Our prayer is for him to know Jesus,
and His great love
And when our little boy stands in that light from above,
All earthly measures will pale.

Thank you, Father, for entrusting us with this great gift.
For you know, he will soon be six.

You have not, because you ask not...

2008-05-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

My brother recently asked for prayer stories to be sent via email so that he could post them on his church blog. I have to be completely honest, my immediate thought was, "God hasn't answered any prayers for me lately." Whoa!
I will have you know, God's Spirit within me instantly gave a rebuke. For the next unmeasurable amount of time, His Spirit reminded me of all the times God has answered my prayers, and all of the times He has answered prayers that I haven't even spoken.
Do I get up every morning, and pray that my husband will make it safely to work. I regretfully say 'no', yet by His grace, he does. Do I drive my son to school everyday, knowing the vehicle carries my three most precious possessions, and beg God to get us to the school in one piece. I wish I did, but He does. Do I sit with my morning coffee, and ponder that today might be the day that I am diagnosed with a terminal illness. Do I beg God for His grace and strength to make it through such a difficult time? Sadly,I don't, but I know He would.
I have a two-year old daughter who talks a lot. At any moment during the day, I know her basic needs, because she tells me. Sometimes she asks quite politely, and other times she is very adamant that what she needs, she needs right away. My son is very quiet and asks for very little. Because I have known him very well now for five years, I often know his needs before he even asks. Both of them are my children, I love them both the same, and I love them very much.
My Father loves me very much. Sometimes I come to Him in desperation, adamantly begging Him for His help. Other times, He knows my needs before I even ask Him, and He answers those too.
I want to praise Him "for we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Worthy of my praise

2008-04-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

How many moms can say that they see one of these on their daily commute to school?
Or gaze at scenery like this while they run with 630 other women?
God is so worthy of my praise?
By the way, that is Meadow down in the bottom corner, getting ready to cheer her mom off the starting line.

I am going to wear you out, Lord....

2008-04-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I gave a testimony in church this morning. It was my first time in over a year.
I was reading the other day about Christ's entrance into Jerusalem. The multitude of disciples were spreading their garments on the road, waving palm branches, and shouting "Blessed is the King who comes in the Name of the Lord, Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!" When the Pharisees asked Jesus to rebuke His disciples, He answered "I tell you, if these becomes silent, the stones will cry out!"
I thought to myself, "I don't want the stones to have to praise the Lord for me because I am being silent."
So, I was about 20 seconds into it before I lost my composure. But, when God wants you to stand up and say something, nothing can hold you back. So, I shared what God had most recently taught me. I shared how the addition of our third child, not that he isn't a total angel, had overwhelmed me as a mother. I am a fairly independent person, and three kids under the age of four really sent my world into a tailspin. Everyday activities like getting groceries, going to the doctor, running into the bank or any other errand suddenly became a tactical nightmare. And, to add more pressure to our little family, we decided to buy a condo. The condo was meant to be a "quick flip" but instead has spiralled our finances into a downward flush. This decision, because it was made by us, has brought a big swipe to my pride. I like people to see me as a person in control, and it was humbling to admit that we were not. It was humbling to accept gifts from other brothers and sisters in Christ, most of them giving sacrificially, not from excess. I felt that we did not deserve such kindness and grace.
What is amazing, and what I must praise God for, is His goodness. This last year has been extremely difficult, not just because of our circumstances, but because God wanted my attention, and got it. When God wants your attention, watch out!! The adjectives, desperate and hopeless, come to mind when I think about those days.
What has changed? I still have 3 kids, praise God, and we still own a condo that is sucking us dry, but my heart has changed. I have learned that my God is personal, He is trustworthy, He is loving, He is gracious, He is forgiving, He is more than enough, He is my all in all, He is my first thought in the morning, my last last thought at night, He is beautiful, He is my strength, He is my joy, He is my peace in the middle of the storm, and His Word is eternal.
I can honestly say for the first time that although the last year has been difficult, I would go through it all again just to have learned what I have and to be as close to my Lord as I am.
Now, as for the sale of our condo, and the growth of our beautiful son, Ocean, I am going to cry to Him day and night until I wear Him out.
"Now He Jesus, was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart, saying, 'There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God, and did not respect man. And there was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, 'Give me legal protection from my opponent.'
And for a while he was unwilling, but afterward he said to himself, 'Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, yet beause this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, lest by continually coming she wear me out.'
And the Lord said, 'Hear what the unrighteous judge said, now shall not God bring about justice for His elect, who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? I tell you that He will bring about justice for them speedily. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?"

Amazing Grace

2008-04-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I so easily expect grace from others, but it is so hard to give it myself?
I had an encounter this last week with a very good friend. Actually, my husband had the encounter, and I made a feeble attempt to avoid the situation. In attempting to avoid the situation, I only managed to hurt my friend. I find that when a situation is not righted immediately, it only will become worse. I sit in my little corner and come up with every manner of excuse, defending my actions (or in this case, my husbands) and truthfully, hoping the situation will resolve itself and I won't have to humble myself in any way. I tried to explain my reactions as that of a mother bear protecting her family. But, the truth is, I am a very selfish person.
Now, I have realized this selfish state for quite some time, and have made every effort to remedy the situation, but the fact of the entire matter is this: I have received amazing, tremendous grace from the Great Judge, who sits on the only throne, and in turn, I must bestow that very grace on anyone that I come in contact with. What does that grace look like in my terms?
Apologize - without expecting an apology in return
Love - without expecting any love in return
Serve - without expecting any service in return
Forgive - without expecting any forgiveness in return
Give - without expecting anything in return

I read a Proverb this morning - "Through presumption comes nothing but strife...."
I am hurt too easily, and make assumptions too easily, these are symptoms of selfishness. To become less self-centered, I must become more God-centered.
Jesus, be my center....

Prayer changes people....

2008-04-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

About six months ago, or so, my mom started attending a prayer meeting. Actually, she was attending about three meetings a week. We continued our phone conversations, about once a week, and each time I talked to her, I could tell she was, well, different. She was softer, and full of a joy and peace that can only come from one Person.
A few weeks ago, I returned from a visit down to Idaho, and had such a wonderful time, especially with my mom. I was able to attend these prayer meetings with my mom. I have to be honest, she had told me that the average running time for one of these meetings was 2-3 hours. Whoa, ok now, I have been a Christian since I was 12 years old, I have heard a lot of sermons on the importance of prayer, and I have seen prayers answered, but two hours? I knew it meant a lot to my mom, and I have been going through a difficult time, so I went...
There were three other people there, besides my mom and I, Walter, Marilyn and my brother, Pastor Todd. Over the next few weeks I was impacted like I have never been in my life.
Often, I believe I enter a difficult time, beg God for help, then become angry when He doesn't answer the way I thought He should. Who am I, the pot, demanding answers from the Potter? I learned that God cares much more for my character than He does my happiness, which is often what I am most concerned with.
God opened my heart and allowed me to know Him, which should be my purpose for going to Him in the first place.
I also learned that there are so many needs and people who are hurting. Whether it is finanaces, family, or health...we all desperately need a work of God in our lives. It is powerful to come before an Almighty God with a burden on my heart, and have Him gently lead me to intercede for another person.
I have been telling others of my mom's prayer meetings, and they ask if I can see a difference in the church down there. I may not see an outward change in the church, but I see the change in her, and that is the most important thing I learned, prayer will change me.
As a Christian in this awesome age of grace, we have what the saints in Hebrews 11 hoped for, a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, God's Son. This relationship cannot ride on the spiritual walk of others. I have Christ living within me, and I must die daily to self and talk to Him as much and as often as I can.
I have been reading Marilyn Peter's book, 'The Paw Prints of the Tiger', and have found myself longing for that same intimacy with the Lord. I can hear her dear friend, Walter, telling me to get up and have it. The intimate relationship with my Lord is there for the asking, I only need to pray....AWESOME!!!!

"Thank you for my mommy..."

2008-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

My daughter said her first prayer yesterday. When I said it was time to give thanks, she immediately said, "I do it". Normally, this sentence from my two-year old rankles me, but this time I smiled.
"Dear Jesus, thank you for my mommy, and thank you for my dinner. Amen"
Now, I think those are two wonderful things to be thankful for.

Praise You in this storm

2008-04-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

This song fits what my heart is saying today...

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Luckiest girl in the world, eh?

2008-04-18T16:31:00.001-07:00

To have and to hold....

2008-04-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

Well, Blue and I are approaching our ten year anniversary in June, absolutely unbelieveable. I look back on the last ten years, and I see a lot of happiness, a lot of tears, wonderful memories, sleepless nights ( we have 3 kids under the age of 5), many adventures, but never, may I repeat, never have I been bored.
We are both in our thirties now, and we have, you know, the usual, a house, a car, even a dog. Actually, the dog came first. Life was simple back then.
I guess you could call us average. What I think makes us different is that most people at our age are settling in, content to do what they are doing for the next 30 years, maybe planning a trip, possibly buying some new furniture. We, the Falconers, are not doing any of that.
If I have discovered anything in the last ten years, I have learned to expect the unexpected and to embrace each new adventure with an open mind. I have learned what a wonderfully complex man I am married to. I have learned that to love someone enough to die for them is attainable for many people, but to love enough to sacrificially "die" for them on a daily basis is truly a miracle.
Most importantly, I have learned that my Saviour has given me all that I need, Himself. To demand that my husband meet all of my needs will only lead to frustration and loneliness. To perform acts of duty for my family out of neediness, in hopes of something in return, will only bring bitterness.
When I am walking in His Spirit, which is not worrying about how I feel, or how I look, or how can I control, I see myself as God sees me.
1) a child of God Rom 8:16
2) a new creature II Cor 5:17
3) friend of God John 15:14
How can I help but see my wonderful husband in that same light?
I suppose the long and short of it is that when I allow God's love to saturate my life, all that I am, how can I help but to rejoice when that love comes flowing out of me into the loves of others, especially the one I have vowed to have and to hold until death do us part.

The secret things....

2008-04-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

The other day a familiar scene unfolded at the grocery store. I was in the check out line. I had my son, Forest, strapped into the front of the cart, and my oldest son, Ocean, was standing in the back of the cart, handing the grocier the items.
The nice lady began having a conversation with Ocean, er, I should say a one-sided conversation. She was asking him his name, and his age, and a few other, general, friendly questions. It is always the age question that strikes me, though. I am not sure when I stopped explaining to others that my beautiful son has "failed to thrive" or "global delay" or whatever terms the doctors can give us for their effort to explain why our son is not growing or developing on an average level. But, now I just politely answer the questions for him and smile at the asker's quizzical expression. However, whenever I say "five", for that is how old he is now, I have to stop myself from grimacing. I am not grimacing at the nice lady, or at my wonderful son, but often at the thought that it was never supposed to go this far. By this age, the doctors were supposed to have figured out what was wrong with Ocean, and more importantly, my God could and would heal him.
Through the last five years, God has taught me that He is in control, that His ways are not our ways, and that He entrusted us with one of His most special children, Ocean. In doing that, He has given us the grace and strength to do what He has asked us to do, trust Him.
My placenta stopped producing amniotic fluid sometime in the last three weeks of my pregnancy. I was induced on my due date and twelve hours later, Ocean was born into the room full of specialists with worried looks on their faces. I found out later, that they didn't expect him to make it.
God gave us a special little boy. He started physical therapy at the age of two weeks. He couldn't straighten his arms or legs, and had a strong case of torticollis in his neck, causing his head to lean to one side. He was diagnosed with reflux at six weeks, he wouldn't keep any food down, and about the same time, we realized he wasn't gaining weight the way he should. The next few years were intense, to say the least. We visited every doctor, specialist, we or his pediatrician could think of. He had 3 different stays at the Children's Hospital, all to try to determine why he wasn't growing.
Emotionally, well, have you ever been on the wildest roller coaster known to man? That would describe our feelings as we plummeted down the rails of trying to find out what was wrong with our son.
At times, we desperately searched for an answer, we would ride high on the euphoria if we thought we had found it, we would wait in anticipation as we climbed, waiting to see if this was the answer and he would start to grow.
And, you know that sickening feeling when the car comes to a complete stop at the end of the ride? I feel as if we slammed into wall after wall of disappointment. Is there anyone to blame? No, no, no. I had to say that several times, because if I blamed anyone, it was myself. Somewhere I must have done something wrong.
God is so faithful. One afternoon, as I lay upon my bed praying to God. He spoke to me through Ecc 7:13 "Consider the work of God, for who can make that straight, which he hath made crooked?" God made my little boy just the way he is. wow
Now, back to the grocery store. Yes, it still hurts that Ocean is five, he isn't talking smoothly, although he does have some words. He is about the size of a 2 year old, and has the developmental level of a 2 year old, as well. Has God given us an answer yet? No, "the secret things belong unto the Lord our God, but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law."
By His grace, I can smile at the nice lady, and say "he is five, and doesn't talk alot, YET. But, God is good, isn't He?"

This is the day that my Lord hath made...

2008-04-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, three posts in one week, that is amazing. God is good. I have a kind and generous husband. I have 3 beautiful children. We are all healthy, for the moment. And, the two eldest kids are out with dad, giving me a moment to catch my breath.

It is absolutely beautiful outside, giving me a bit of spring fever. I spent an hour working on the yard yesterday, and it felt fantastic. Uh-oh, Forest just found me, hiding in the office.

Anyway, I spent some time with my Lord this morning, thanking Him for being who He is. We are in desperate need for Him to show His mercy by selling our condo for us. To make a long story short, a year ago, we decided to try our hand at "a flip". We got a little over our heads by purchasing and renovating this condo in B.C. Now, we are in some pretty serious financial woes, waiting on God. Sometimes, I find that I go to the Lord out of my own desperation, and once I am there, He lays the needs of so many others on my heart. Awesome!

I can't believe that I am actually saying this, but I am actually thankful for the situation that we are in. Humility is the point when you realize that you can do NOTHING without God. And, it might sound crazy, but it is a fantastic place to be. God has never left me, and never will, but to acknowledge and embrace that presence on a daily basis actually brings joy despite any difficult circumstances.

To get up in the morning and say, "this is the day that the Lord hath made" brings unexplainable contentment. This is your day, Lord, the good and the bad, it is yours. Help me to "count it all JOY". Thank you, Lord.

Lessons Learned?

2008-04-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

hmmm..I am not so sure about this blog thing. It seems to me that I barely have time to think, let alone write what I think, or worry about other people reading about what I think. But, my youngest son, Forest, just turned one four days ago. Absolutely amazing! not that he turned one, but that I have survived the last year.
I am a very proud person, and this last year, God has humbled me in ways that I never thought were possible. I believe that I could sit here and type for hours of all that God has taught me. But, I will try to keep this short.
First of all, God is God. He is my all in all, He is all I need. "My God shall supply all your NEED" I might have said that a year ago, but I don't think that I truly believed it. I sometimes think that God brings circumstances into our lives to grow us. I don't know if I grew, but I do know that I am more solid in my faith than I have ever been in my life. Do I still fail? yes, and will most likely continue to do so, but it is how long do I stay down that is the question.
Second of all, God is gracious and merciful. I am so thankful for that. God made me and loves me. "not because of who I am, but because of what You've done, not because of what I've done, but because of who You are." When I truly accept that, the joy that flows out of me is not me, but Him, wow.
Third of all, PRAYER WORKS PEOPLE!!!! We don't pray because we do not believe! "we have not because we ask not"
Well, one of my babes is calling.....

Road trip

2007-06-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

Last week, my husband and I bought into the illusion that a road trip would be a good idea. Why didn't someone stop us? Anyway, we left Friday afternoon for Vancouver, B.C., which is a good twelve hours away from our house. It could be an adventure, or it could be a nightmare. It was closer to the nightmare. We spent 4 days driving a total of 48 hours, attending a wedding, getting a cold, (that was me), and pulling our hair out. I don't even think I could describe everything that four days contained, all I can think is that God is good. Did I mention that my kids are 4, 2 and 2 months? AAGGGHHHH!!!!

chaos

2007-06-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

Life with three kids under the age of four is not what most people would describe as "having a life". I used to, before I had any children, look at other moms and wonder how they could possibly "need a break" from their little darlings, or how they could desire to work a job, or why they looked like they hadn't brushed their hair or changed their clothes in days. Well,....now I know. My life now consists of diapers, sippy cups, macaroni and cheese, kids silly songs, and all within the confines of my home. The phrase, "run naked in the streets, screaming and cutting myself" now has new meaning. I am too exhausted to have a social life. When my husband offers me a break, I just want to check into a hotel and sleep.
On the sunny side, sometimes I am filled with such a deep fulfillment and joy. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I am here on earth doing exactly what God wants me to be doing. Wow! I may never write a book, which is something I have always wanted to do. I may never travel extensively, which is also something I have wanted to do. But, I am responsible for three little lives, three little human beings. I am the one who will have such a great impact on their lives, teaching them to love God, to be kind to others, to respect God's creation, to influence the world around them for the greatest good. I am overwhelmed and honored to be the mother of Ocean, 4 years old, Meadow, 2 years old, and Forest, 2 months. GOD is so good.