A couple of weeks ago, we were driving to church when our van suddenly lost power. It is very eerie to be coasting down a mountain road in the dark. The other fact that made the whole situation eerie was that all three of our kids were silent. My wonderful husband managed to conjole the old girl, that would be our van, to a stop about half a block from the church. I was content with that, but as we made our way that last little stretch to the building, I was also filled with that sick feeling that always accompanies car troubles.
Our church always shares "God-stories" after worship, and this has always been something that I love about our service. Sometimes the stories are happy, praising God for something He did that week, sometimes, prayer is requested as struggles are revealed. This particular week, there were a lot of happy stories about amazing things that only our God can do. Instead of joy, I felt numb, as if lead flowed through my veins instead of blood. My limbs were heavy, and I couldn't move.
As the stories came to a close, our pastor began to share a message about the new year, 2010. He proceeded to remind us of the truth that we are part of God's story, not the center, but a part. He challenged us to live a dramatic 2010, to view everything that occurs in our lives this year as part of His story.
I was starting to tingle now, as if my entire body had fallen asleep. My heart began to cry out, "Please, God, no more drama! A peaceful 2010, a smooth 2010, but, have mercy, not a dramatic 2010!"
Over the course of the past weeks, I have remained numb, and if I allow my heart to feel, my soul to speak, only doubt flows out. Ashamed of that doubt, I have remained silent.
Last week, I realized that my wedding ring was missing. In desperation, I tore the house apart, blamed my children, cried over the loss, and as a final effort to restore that ring to my finger, I begged God to show me where it was. My daughter found me on my knees, and asked me what I was doing. I told her that only one person knew where my ring was, and I was asking Him to help me. She looked me in the eye and said, "God doesn't exist, Mom, He doesn't know where your ring is, and can't help you find it."
I was shocked. I could only sputter, "Why? why do you think that?"
"Because I can't see Him." and she walked away.
I lay on the floor for a long time, staring at the ceiling. God exists, there is no doubt about that. But, why is it so difficult for me to trust Him?
I thought back on the last three years. We purchased a condo, completed the reno, placed it on the market, only to have it burn down two months later. God has taught me so much through that trial,and yet, at this time, all I could remember was that I have begged God to sell it for us, and that hasn't happened yet.
I thought back on our beautiful son, Ocean, for whom we have asked God to grow, and now, all I could think of was that I had a seven year old with the size and mental capacity of a three-year-old, without a single medical explanation. I began to shake my fist at the heavens, and questioned, not God's existence, but His silence.
God is faithful, God is good, and promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him, so, of course, He revealed Himself to me.
I opened the Bible, and read about a man named David. In a Bible study that I am presently doing, I was reminded that David was anointed by Samuel to be king of Israel at the age of fifteen. David didn't actually become king until he was thirty-seven. That is a twenty-two year gap!! I know that I have been anointed, not necessarily to be king of a nation, but to be a child of a King. Those twenty-two years were not wasted by David, he completed menial tasks, care-taker of the sheep, delivery boy for his brothers on the battlefield, harp player for the king, but everything he did, whether big or small was done for God's glory.
Every task he was given was also accompanied by the God-given ability to accomplish it. When he defeated the giant, Goliath, he shouted, "...I come to you in the name of the Lord of heaven's armies....today the Lord will defeat you, and all the world will know there is a God in Israel!"
I knew that the giant I was facing was my own doubt. I looked to the Psalms, written by David, in praise to God..."let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love. I am trusting in you..."
I would love to find my ring, I would rejoice if our condo sold and released us of that huge financial burden, I would run in the streets if Ocean could talk and read and do so many of the things that seven year olds do, but if I must wait another twenty-two years, I will continue to trust in God and His unfailing love for me.
