True Love

I have a profile on Facebook.
I will admit that Facebook is a little like sugar, I can never get enough.
There is always one more link to make me think, one more message to reply to, one more picture to make me smile.
But, all of those thoughts on our present addiction to social media are for another day.
Today, I am thinking of the posts I read that are written by contented wives.

"I so love my husband, he did all the laundry while I was gone." or....

"I have the best husband in the whole world, he made dinner!" or....

"So grateful to my amazing man, breakfast in bed, I love you honey!" or....

"I can see my reflection in our toilet, my husband must love me."

Anyway, you get the point. I have always thought a post would be humorous that said something like,
"I love my husband, took me 20 minutes to pick up all of his clothes scattered around the house." or....

"My man rocks, he makes a huge mess in the kitchen every time he makes a snack!" or.....

"I am so blessed to be married to a man who leaves a sink piled high with dishes for me to do when I returned from work!"

Not that any of the above are true of my man, However, I do find him much easier to love when he is lovely. Is true love ever really easy?

For the year, 2011, I gave my husband an intriguing gift. I gave him the gift of 52 dates.
Possibly in our first few years of marriage, ok, maybe even when we were dating, this gift may have been received with a bit more enthusiasm. The look of surprise that initially crossed his face was not exactly what I had been hoping for.
"I kind of wanted a snowboard" was written quite clearly in his eyes. I turned my head wanting to take it back, and offer him the snowboard instead. A snowboard would be more cost effective, less time-consuming, well, a snowboard would be easier.
That last word, drifting through my mind, only made my resolve strengthen. Yes, a board would be easier, but true love is not easy.

Our year of dates have been epic, to say the least. I am the mother of four small children. I knew that I was taking our marriage for granted, that I was expecting him to understand that I was too tired to go out, too busy to sit down and talk, or too emotionally unstable to handle all of his little problems too. He was a big boy, he could take care of himself for awhile. But, how long is awhile, and what better gift could I give my children than to show them a real life example right now of how to love, even when it is hard.

A few nights ago, as I tucked my little boy into bed, I looked into his chocolate brown eyes, and overwhelmed with feeling, I whispered, "I love you, buddy". He looked back up at me and whispered, "you didn't love me at the grocery store." The afternoon flashed back to a series of pictures, none of which will be preserved for the family album. There were several of my little guy bopping his baby sister on the head, a few of him throwing items from the cart overboard, or trying to secretly add items to the cart, then, of course, there was the inevitable tears at the cash when I firmly replied "no" to his consistent requests for candy. All of the above scenarios involved me with a scowl on my face, or hissing in his ear.
I picked him up and held him tight in my arms.
"Buddy, I love you even when you are bad. Whether your actions are good or bad, they will not make you more or less valuable to your mom and dad."
A quote from a sermon that I heard has always stuck with me, "I am not loved because I am valuable, I am valuable because I am loved."
Two out of four of our children have memorized John 3:16. There really is no better description of true love. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whomever believes on Him, will not perish, but have eternal life!"
True love is hard, is sacrificial, is time-consuming, is exhausting.
To love conditionally is forcing expectations on the lover. Expectations will kill a relationship.
An example of true love...."God showed His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners (unlovely) He died for us!"

Years of trust...

Her eyes filled with tears as she watched Ocean. She adjusted her notes, and cleared her throat several times.
She tried to speak, "I have always felt so bad that we were unable to diagnose this little boy."

I watched Ocean building blocks for several moments. Would our lives be different if we had a diagnosis? Would his life be better? Would we know how to help him more? Would we know what to expect? Would we know, can we ever truly know?
I glanced up at Ocean's pediatrician, at the tears rolling down her cheeks.

I tried to put my heart into words,
"Ocean has taught us how to trust, when we know, it is all the more difficult for us to trust." I squeezed her hand.

She wiped her tears and looked me directly in the eyes, "Anyone who has the opportunity to work with this little man should count it as a great privilege. He is unforgettable.
How? How has he taught you to trust?"

I ran my fingers through his blond hair. Do I tell her of my drive to the hospital to sit by the bedside of a dying woman, a woman who would be leaving behind an adult special needs son? A woman who had complete faith that God would not take her from her son who needed her.
Do I share how my fingers gripped the wheel of my car, how sobs wracked my body, as I allowed my mind to peer into the future, the future of my own son, the future of my son without me. Surely, there would be a way, a path, a future that included me never leaving him alone. He needs me, my son needs me.
A few days later, this beautiful, faithful mom closed her eyes forever to the pain and joys of this world. And, I opened my heart once again to trust, to faith in a good God. For the opposite of that trust is fear and doubt. We cannot see the end of every story, but we can hold tightly onto the hand of the One who can.

Or, maybe I should tell her of the fear that consumed me for years after Ocean was born. There were no answers, no solutions, no guarantees that if I became pregnant again... well, that I was not to blame. Why when something isn't right, must we always look for someone, for something to blame? Isn't that why so many choose not to believe there is a God? What kind of God would watch all of this wrong in the world and look the other way? If He truly existed, He would put a stop to all of this pain.
But, we want to trust. We grasp at goodness in ourselves, in others, in the world around us. It is only when we decide to trust that there is good that we try again. It was only when I looked into the endless realm of His goodness that I tried again, and again, and again.

No, I looked her in the eyes again.
"I forget. I forget the good. I think that I need Ocean more than he needs me. Ocean is a living, breathing reminder that God is good, that He is trustworthy, that He is faithful. that 'we should not trust in ourselves, but in God'"