Supposed to...

Why do I do the things I do?
I look at my daily "to-do" list... I am a big fan of lists. I love seeing chores, errands, phone calls to make, ...all of these being tedious items, I am not really that boring, or maybe...anyhow, I am getting sidetracked, I love seeing them written down on paper, so that upon completion, I can physically cross them out. But, what motivates me to do these things, I can't believe that is only for the small satisfaction of crossing them off. No, I am sure that I am not so shallow, so trivial, that I am unable to have deeper meaning behind the many tasks that often make up my day.
My day consists of many "have-tos". I have to get out of bed, seemingly a hard thing as of late. I have to feed my children, and dress them, and sometimes it is trying to have so many little people completely dependant on you. I have to wash clothes, which is not a complaint, by the way. Sometimes, the "have-tos" are not really "have-tos", my attitude just makes them that way.
I remember as a child, asking an authority figure, "Do I have to?" The response was usually a cryptic, "You don't have to, you get to." Different perspectives, I suppose.
The world of "should-haves" is constantly banging in the corners of my mind. I find difficulty in not succumbing to the pressures of that place outside my comfort zone that is dragging at me. My husband if forever faithful at reminding me to not live with regrets.
And, then there are the "supposed tos". These are the hardest of them all. The things that are in the future, that I generally view with apprehension. Or, the things I do, not because I want to, or have to, but that I am, well, supposed to. This list is also the longest. This list often requires commitment and sacrifice, two things that often don't come naturally for me, but if I persevere, and finish, there is much joy.
I took this picture of Meadow on her first day of kindergarten. You are supposed to do that right? I was so proud of her, excited for her, nervous for her....the morning was hurried, the slow, careful moments that should have been taken for such an event didn't happen. Four months later, I am still so proud of her, her independence, her smile.
I concur with Solomon, when God offered him anything, anything, he had only to choose. He chose wisdom. As I look at my days, my to-do lists, my husband, my four beautiful children, that is what I crave... wisdom. This was God's reply to me:
"if any of you lack wisdom, you should ask of God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you!"
I believe all of my have-tos just changed to get tos!

Ocean

We celebrated Ocean's 8th birthday last week. I am still in awe that I have been on the "Ocean" journey for 8 years. For a few of his birthdays, we would have big celebrations. We wanted to celebrate his life and all that he is. Lately, however, we have kept the idea simple. For that is who he is, simple. And, I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean the way he sees life. Don't get me wrong, he still loves his balloons, his candles, and his chocolate cake, but we keep the invites to a minimum.
I hope they don't mind me mentioning them, but I love to celebrate his birthday with our friends, the Genns. I feel, in a way, they have walked the "Ocean" journey along side us. When Josh blessed our meal and prayed for Ocean, it was with a love that only someone who has known him for a long time could pray, and I am so thankful to know them and have them know our Ocean.
I think that all of the unknowns that make up our life together forces me to trust. I find there is very little we have to trust for anymore. We have insurance for our houses, for our cars, for our health, for our very lives, for our spouses life, and for our future.
We spend our days planning, planning our days, our weekends, our vacations, and our retirements. Our security is as important to us as the air we breathe. The day we allowed ourselves to believe that we may never have an answer for who Ocean is, the day we looked that last doctor in the eye as he told us that he didn't know, that was the beginning of a journey of learning to trust my God.
I looked up at the sky, I knew Someone who knew. He knew why Ocean was the way he was. He knew what Ocean's purpose was here on this earth. I wish I could say that Ocean was here to grow our family in strength, and patience, and love, and humility. He certainly has done all of these things. I wish I could say that Ocean was here, so that all the many people involved in his life could meet Jesus through our family. I sincerely hope that has happened. But, the truth is, I still cannot say for sure. I still wish we had an earthly answer. I would love to be able to say Ocean is the way he is because of... the better answer is, Jesus made him, and I trust Him completely, for He does all things well.

still..

I was asked the other day if I still write. hmmm...so I sat down, placed my fingers on the keyboard, and stared at the screen. I know that I have lots to write about, but to bring those thoughts together into a comprehensible post is similar to the collecting of marbles after Ocean has had his way with them. I guess you have to know Ocean to understand that last sentence.
I last wrote in July, asking if I still write is like asking if I still shower on a daily basis or have regular dates with my husband or if my baby is sleeping through the night.
yes, but so rarely that when they occur, regardless of any other events that day, there is joy.
I've been busy, sure I have, hasn't everyone? I rush around, making my lists, running my errands, seeing my friends, chauffeuring my kids, walking my dog...and I realized that life changes. I am so glad that it does. I can't imagine doing what I do every day for the rest of my life.
The one absolute in my life, in my world is God. He tells me to "be still and know that I am God." In all of the busyness, in all of the craziness that is my life, God is there, and He wants me to stop, if just for a moment, be still, and acknowledge Him.