Her eyes filled with tears as she watched Ocean. She adjusted her notes, and cleared her throat several times.
She tried to speak, "I have always felt so bad that we were unable to diagnose this little boy."
I watched Ocean building blocks for several moments. Would our lives be different if we had a diagnosis? Would his life be better? Would we know how to help him more? Would we know what to expect? Would we know, can we ever truly know?
I glanced up at Ocean's pediatrician, at the tears rolling down her cheeks.
I tried to put my heart into words,
"Ocean has taught us how to trust, when we know, it is all the more difficult for us to trust." I squeezed her hand.
She wiped her tears and looked me directly in the eyes, "Anyone who has the opportunity to work with this little man should count it as a great privilege. He is unforgettable.
How? How has he taught you to trust?"
I ran my fingers through his blond hair. Do I tell her of my drive to the hospital to sit by the bedside of a dying woman, a woman who would be leaving behind an adult special needs son? A woman who had complete faith that God would not take her from her son who needed her.
Do I share how my fingers gripped the wheel of my car, how sobs wracked my body, as I allowed my mind to peer into the future, the future of my own son, the future of my son without me. Surely, there would be a way, a path, a future that included me never leaving him alone. He needs me, my son needs me.
A few days later, this beautiful, faithful mom closed her eyes forever to the pain and joys of this world. And, I opened my heart once again to trust, to faith in a good God. For the opposite of that trust is fear and doubt. We cannot see the end of every story, but we can hold tightly onto the hand of the One who can.
Or, maybe I should tell her of the fear that consumed me for years after Ocean was born. There were no answers, no solutions, no guarantees that if I became pregnant again... well, that I was not to blame. Why when something isn't right, must we always look for someone, for something to blame? Isn't that why so many choose not to believe there is a God? What kind of God would watch all of this wrong in the world and look the other way? If He truly existed, He would put a stop to all of this pain.
But, we want to trust. We grasp at goodness in ourselves, in others, in the world around us. It is only when we decide to trust that there is good that we try again. It was only when I looked into the endless realm of His goodness that I tried again, and again, and again.
No, I looked her in the eyes again.
"I forget. I forget the good. I think that I need Ocean more than he needs me. Ocean is a living, breathing reminder that God is good, that He is trustworthy, that He is faithful. that 'we should not trust in ourselves, but in God'"
